" Something to Say"

Dancing with My Old Self

2012-01-28T19:26:00.004+08:00

In 1989, I got my first Barry Manilow album. I was a freshman high school student. I was a geek. I used to see relationships in rose colored bowl. I used to fantasized that one day I'd become normal and have a relationship with the right person while keeping my alter ego as a superhero. I never gave up the dream to fly one day . Not inside an airplane but like Superman. I like putting on capes because it made me feel like a superhero. I think part of me has never given up that dream. I never fit n with guys in the dance groups nor guys who listen to rock bands like Metallica, White Lion and Kiss.

I spent my free time inside the library reading Time magazine and Encyclopedias as well as Biology books. Chemistry and Physics were complicated to me because I was not good in mathematics. Weekends were spent writing letters to pen pals inManila and in other countries.Or I'd stay home listening to records, watching music videos, reading novels or visit friends house and talking about music. Even thought I felt like an outcast but the funny thing was that classmates visited me and I either resent that or glad that I was able to play my recordings to them.

I never really stayed home much because my male buddies would visit me and we'd hangout to friends houses and spent afternoons talking , playing or watching TV. Looking back now, I realized i was not really an outcast. I was the only one who made myself unavailable in anyway i can and I'd fail. I guess i was not really a bad person to merit the attention of others.

Music was a big influence in my life. It still is. Funny when you look back and sometimes wish you can have a conversation with your old self...just to ask..how did you make it?

Too much rain

2012-01-26T23:09:00.004+08:00

It would be nice to put on another skin. Try a different point of view even for a day. There are times when one's self is like an old haunted house and it is hard to live with ghosts especially if they don't let you sleep at night ...or they keep poking you with sticks. I am tired of this. But before leaving, I am going to leave you with a song that spoke to me when I am in my saddest time...not something of a comfort though, rather a torture-only for today.

Now and then
Do you wash your hands of me again?
Wish me anywhere but home
Drunk and on the end of your phone

From time to time
Do you guess what's really on my mind?
Guess that "How you keeping now?"
Means "Where are you sleeping now"

But of course it's not polite
To ask you where you spent last night
And if I did you might reply
That I have no right
And anyway I'm fine
Glad that you're no longer mine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and hope to die

You'd be appalled
If you knew what I was doing
When you called
Yes, I can see I'm blundering
Always end up wondering

Will it ever be alright
To ask you where you spent last night
And can it be polite
The way we never write,
Of course I don't have the time,
And anyway I'm fine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my hear and hope to die

I hope we never die

P.S.
OMG that's like too much drama there. LOL!

Good Evening

2012-01-13T03:22:00.002+08:00

I was watching the last part of the movie The Last Song starring Miley Cyrus. As usual, you can expect something sappy because it's based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks. He is the same guy who wrote The Notebook. I wonder why his stories always involve death. Or maybe they are not really about dying...but A Walk To Remember isn't about a happy ending as well.

These days I have been thinking about beginnings and endings. A part of me knows that I have lived through so many endings and I've always known I can survive. But there is a part of me that tells me how endings kill that part of you...in order for another part to live. I just wonder how many emotional deaths one has to go through until he completely becomes an emotional zombie?

Anyway, Miley Cyrus' performance was so believable that for a moment I actually think she is capable of real emotions.

Running with the Wolves

2012-01-11T01:59:00.005+08:00

I received an email from a friend telling me that she wont have access to the internet for a week. She is staying at a friend's house because she could not longer take the stress at home.

It seems like a lot of people are under stress this week. It must be because of nerves. I wont say anything because ...nerves. I wll let this song do the talking.

Yellow bird flying
Gets shot in the wing
Good year for hunter
And Christmas parties
And I hate and I hate
And I hate and I hate
Elevator music
The way we fight
The way I'm left here silent

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

We danced in graveyards
With vampires till dawn
We laughed in the faces of kings
Never afraid to burn
And I hate and I hate
And I hate and I hate
Disintegration
Watching us wither
Black winged roses that safely changed their color

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

I can't reach you
I can't reach you
Give me life
Give me pain
Give me myself again

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

The Lone Wolf

2012-01-09T10:41:00.009+08:00

I spent the aftermath of New Year feeling insecure and sorry for myself. This is what I hate about having a lot of time in my hands. I tend to get restless and introspective. I do think it is good to reflect but it also opens doors to your personal demons and addictions.My addiction is being attached. And it makes me feel greedy for attention. I think one of my fears is to be a burden to anyone. I am not really a proud person but when it comes to being humiliated, that's my kryptonite.

Sometimes I look for proof of things that don't need to be proven. Sometimes I feel invisible that no matter what people tell me I don't believe them. And it sucks to be in this situation. It caused trouble to those who care about me. Sometimes I wonder when will I ever find peace? I am a prizefighter wanting to get even. Sometimes what I am fighting for is not attention or love but rather just the idea of getting even. I can be a bad loser. And I hate it when other people get ahead of me in things that I want especially when I know I deserve these things.

Don't you just hate it when someone steals something away from you? Be it the love of your parents,the intimacy of your lover or the moment that should have been for you alone? These are things that haunt me. I am trying to get away from them because I know if I start counting or I start lingering I become a bad loser.I just don't want to be on the sides anymore. I know too, that I have the capacity for pain and vengeance like no one else.Maybe it is genetic. My mom is a spiteful person. So are my siblings.

I don't want the feeling of being a victim. I know that is not me. I am better than that. I am even better than the anger and sadness I write about. I just want to find a way to exorcise these demons and stop blaming the world.Because I know, that we are also responsible for the things that happen around us. We make those choices in life. I believe that if you really love yourself...nothing can bring you down. It is good to write and pour out everything.There are things that are easy to tell in writing than saying them out loud to the person you meant to hear them.

It takes time to really get to the point of what you are saying. Sometimes when you force yourself to say them, you end up saying the wrong things. So it is better to step back and allow your emotions to calm down. Then that's the time you say what's in your heart or mind.You should never say anything when you are too passionate because it will just lead to a fight.I feel like I am taming the wolf inside me when I write. I always give it time to roam. I let the passion take over me...then in the end I know it's on a leash. And it has no choice but to go back inside where it belongs. A place where it cant hurt anyone. But I know I will always be a part of that monster. We all have beasts inside us. All we need to do is tame them. And we are safe.

I want to make this year a wonderful year for me and everyone.I wish you all inner serenity. I know it's not much but it is good to give way to other people. Love those who deserve more love and attention than you. And also know that is always good to realize that there will always be better and lesser person than you are and if you start comparing you will end up frustrated.

When you feel like someone got ahead of you in love and attention, when you feel like you don't get enough love the way you deserve to be, when you feel lost and missing someone so bad that it hurts...remember these lines :

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
<< 1 Corinthians 13 >>

Soundtrack of Our Lives

2011-12-28T04:57:00.003+08:00

Still in the middle of an Anne Rice novel while once in a while catching episodes from Terra Nova and Vampire Diaries. Today I want to write about the soundtrack of our lives.As a kid most of the stuff I listened to were from the radio. I grew up to top 40 radio and that includes oldies. For instance, the smell of pencils and crayons remind me of grade school. I remember that my first day in class was really sad. I didn't want to go to school because I wanted to play all day. I didn't understand why kids had to reach a certain age where their freedom to play was soon taken away.By this time I was hearing a lot of Abba and Disco.

Then of course came high school where a lot of people were listening to New Kids on the Block, Debbie Gibson, Tiffany and Rick Astley.I on the other hand was digging Frank Sinatra, Jazz, New Wave music including U2. College arrived and that's when I discovered Celtic, World and Goth music. Sometimes it make you wonder why life has to be just a constant circle of birth school work marriage and death...there's got to be something more than this right?

When I hear the band Plumb I remember the times I had with old pals in the early part of the last decade. IT was the band everyone loved to listen to and hear on alternative radio stations.

Angels and Assasins

2011-12-26T23:01:00.005+08:00

I am in the midst of a new book by Anne Rice called Angel Time. The book is 371 pages. If you are into Christian Theology then stories about angels which are covered in this piece will appeal to you. I have to admit this is not your typical angel story. There are no cute fluffy winged beings here.

The story focuses on the plight of Toby O'Dare-aka Lucky Fox- who is a contract hit man.His life revolves around violence and taking of lives until one day he meets a Seraph. His childhood dream of becoming a priest finds redemption as the Seraph by the name of Malchiah gives him an assignment that will take him through time. In a way this reminds me of Dante's Divine Comedy.

I will tell you about it when I am done. So far it's great to read something from Anne Rice once again. Her prose has always been seductive and hypnotic.

Last Christmas

2011-12-24T06:31:00.012+08:00

Warning Depressing Stuff:

I swear I have two heads. The other one is responsible for posting music updates. That guy is really remote from this guy over here who is writing for you. I think this one needs psychiatric help. Sometimes he feels like he is in a padded cell and he wants freedom. Other times he is so sad that it seems the sky is falling.

Last Christmas was ok. I mean normal kind of OK. I missed last year's company party the way I missed one now. Last year I spent it with myself. I think the only Christmas card I had was from my aunt. And greetings from friends from my music blogging. Last year my sister was the one responsible for the decorations.

This year there was not much decoration because I realize I have to be the one to take them down and it would require a lot of work. But something happened this year. For a reason I have a very emotional December.There's a special person whom I gave my heart to. I also got a lot of invitations. Perhaps a schizoid chameleon with a million affiliations have a place under the sun at last. Still sometimes there is that lingering spoiler. The unknown depresses me. Yes we can't really get away from that. I am following my best pal's advice: keep your heart strong.

***
After this year's storm and a death toll of more than a thousand, it is no wonder why people of Bacolod are not celebrating Christmas like before. I think we have been through a lot-the entire nation is suffering.Part of my skewed religious beliefs are due to that. Nothing feels right sometimes.

These days I am listening to more and more Tori Amos and other 'angry and depressing' bands. It is hard to smile when your heart is sad. It will show. Have you experienced a painful smile that tears start to fall? Have you experienced occasional bouts of alienation where you wish you have forgotten who you are because at least you don't have issues to deal with? I think this year is full of contrast. One side is hysterically laughing while the other is wishing he is somewhere else.

***
People do make strange circles when they are threatened. I this this happening everywhere- at work, among friends and even public figures. People should remember the warning: don't put your faith too much on someone else. You will just end up disappointed. I have experienced this. The mental violation is almost visceral that you feel as if you've been dropped off from a running car.

Parents with kids aren't supposed to play with fire. They should at least think that in the end it is the kid who will suffer. I think adults who do these things aren't cool. They're just people who haven't reached maturity.When adults do things for themselves and not think about the outcome, then it is a question of child custody. When alienation gets inside the room where friendship should be...then it is time to go.

Oh These Little Earthquakes

2011-12-23T12:25:00.010+08:00

They say that sometimes too much loneliness isn't good. It can turn you into something else. Sometimes I wonder if there are people who are destined to endure loneliness through life without ever hope of finding true love and be with that person for the rest of their lives. Maybe there really some of us who are meant to be just on the sides waiting for and taking anything that life gives them. Sometimes people make love to strangers in regret because it helps them to forget. And there are even those who have mo means of dealing with the feeling...and they can't forget.

There are those who are blessed with the capacity to forget.Sometimes a substitute will do. But there are those who can't find other ways, and end up alone, forever pursuing that single star- the one that lights their life in love. Why am I talking about love? This isn't Valentines yet. I know that. But then again, like everyone out there, I am not spared with Cupid's arrow.

You can't tell your heart what to feel. It just. And it comes in the most unexpected places where reasons don't exist. Just. Sometimes believing in that kind of love, holding on to it and even hoping that one day you'll be together is like an atheist's quest to believe in the existence of God. You want logic to override the feeling but it's just there. And you can't ignore it. Because every molecule of your body screams and longs for it, every fiber of your being yearns and though you say No a big part of you always says Yes. It can't be seen-that bond- but it's there.

And there is always that danger, that the bond is going to be threatened by external forces that even the two of you could not fight. Situations that make the loneliness more intense. And these little earthquakes can rip you into pieces. And yet how we all survive again and again and find ourselves still devoted to the One. The enigma of being human. But like any storms all pain and resentment eventually die until what's left is love.

Little Earthquakes is the debut solo album of singer/songwriter Tori Amos where this title track is taken.
Tori Amos - acoustic & electric pianos and lead vocals on all tracks, background vocals.

Musings

2011-12-23T01:27:00.004+08:00

Hi there. We are still in the midst of the fund drive in sending goods to victims of the storm. I helped Dez do the groceries and picked them up. Then I got my own marshmallow and happily chewed on it. It is still raining and it seemed Christmas is drab. I wrote this prose way back and I found this as a perfect companion to the weather. I am not depressed. But it is part of me and I think there is something about beautifully depressing stuff- like songs you can't get enough .

Unknown epitaph

I will be your hidden lover
unannounced to the world
unseen but always there waiting
when the night falls..

I will be the secret friend
who will smile in public
but cry in private..
My fate is written so it seems

Fate has a way of playing with us
and I can't fight it...
might as well fight the moon..
you are meant for the world to see
and I am mean to be hidden
in this secret world we created..

I will hold on
to this love that will last generations..
time and distance
and then will end with my memory
hidden under ...

Unannounced, not remembered, forgotten
like hand prints on the sand.
one day, someday , maybe
but all these will end
as laughter will always end
and so is pain...
but my heart will still beat
on the other side
even if my body is laid to rest
in an epitaph that is unknown..
but known to love.

Reflections

2011-12-21T11:38:00.007+08:00

People in the company I worked for discussed about the ongoing support for the victims of the storm down south. Hundreds of lives were lost. Floods, landslides-these were the forces that took the lives of people out there including children. I thought about how the survivors are going to spend Christmas and I broke down. I cried for the fact that this had to happen in a time where people are supposed to be united with their families. What blessings are there to think of. What is there to look forward to but ruins and shattered dreams.

I guess I feel too much for the children who never made it. I am also a survivor where if not for the kindness of the one who took good care of me, I would have been long dead. When I reflect upon the lost lives I see myself as not so different from them. One of those people could have been me. There is nothing special about me apart from the rest of humanity. I live a burrowed life. It is just devastating that bad things happen to good people.

We treasure the moments when moments are short. A lifetime of loss is eternity. Some of us are victims of calamities in our own way, be it Psychological or Physical. Only those who made it through can live to tell. There are those who never made it. May this tragedy be a reminder to us all how fragile we are...and that time is fleeting and once your moment it lost, it is gone forever. Let us all live in love and compassion. Kindness is the key to healing.

2011-12-20T04:51:00.004+08:00

Time and Gravity

Tonight is the night
when the stars whisper brightly
they remind me of eternity
I yearn but shall never touch..

Are you there?
Can you hear me..
when will you hold me?
when will you take me away?

I stand here, an earthling
trapped by gravity and fragility,
yet the mind stretches far
in search of a place to call
home away from here..

Sometimes I sob
at the beauty of moments
sometimes at the tragedy of
what takes people away from
each other...

and in the midst my shouts
I am just an ordinary earthling
looking above, wishing, waiting
yearning for release
from this obstinate bonds
of gravity and time.

Prayers For Rain

2011-12-17T03:52:00.006+08:00

Rainy season is the time to dress up like Matrix. I remember as a kid I used to run under the rain and play hide and seek. There was a time when kids my age used to run around in our skivvies while we pull along our truck toys with a lease and watch how the wheels create little splashed on the pavement.

I love it when I can just curl up with a book by the window listening to my favorite music. I used to accompany the weather with The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Cocteau Twins, Dead Can Dance, This Mortal Coil and The Mission- all these 80's dark wave bands that appeal to Goth people.

I don't see myself as goth but I dig stuff loved by Goth guys. The Crow,The Craft, Anne Rice, Clive Barker,Neil Gaiman and Poppy Z Brite. It's the atmosphere...the ethereal ambient that I an drawn to. And of course, there's the black and the silver.

I know I am sounding nostalgic again. But when I look back years and years ago, my concern was solely for the aesthetic. People do get into he equation. But for someone who never really had a 'normal' relationship, my ideas about romance were limited to books, movies and music. I wonder if I will ever be normal. I am in an age where people are supposed to be married with kids...I talk about "impractical stuff". Sometimes I have an image of myself prowling the streets late at night trying to satisfy an insatiable hunger. Now don't get me wrong my dear readers. I am not really into THAT. But it's the way of giving an example how oddball it feels to be me.

When my pessimistic side wins it's interesting. Well, I mean what's the point of enjoying life when we will end up dead one day. This world will end and I am not getting younger.

I know I am feeling like a recluse again. I should have taken Greta Garbo's advice :"I vant to be alone"!

Fear

2011-12-17T01:38:00.006+08:00

It is another cold rainy night while I sit here waiting for my assignment. I took this time to communicate with you again my friends in cyberspace. I hope you don't mind if I confess this lump in my throat.
It makes me sad that sometimes people misunderstand each other for various reasons: be it cultural or psychological. And sometimes it's just about priorities. Sometimes it's because of fear. My neighbor made a scene today because he was fearing that if his daughter isn't going to find employment soon then they will be in trouble financially. I know it was fear that made him drink and created a scene in front of our house.My fear prompted me want to file a police report but then changed my mind. But I will have fear now.I will never be able to look at him the same way. The friendly gestures we gave one another everyday as I come home from work will never be again.

Someone was with me tonight to listen to my worries. I never gave this person much credit in this blog but he did turn my life around. Then I receive an email from another friend telling me how concern he is and that I should be careful. I feel so comforted. One day when I am old I will look back to this single moment. And marveled how things changed...the way people in the past marveled at the Renaissance.

A Bohemian's Soliloquy

2011-12-15T13:54:00.007+08:00

I am a man still searching for reasons to live

still looking for the meaning of home

I am a man still facing uncertain future

not knowing where to go and when to go..

I am a stranger to your conventional thoughts

I have no use for society's ideals and expectations

I am trying to live among the crowd yet distant

and forever be alone in my head..

I walk to the beat of my own drum with

the clouds above my head, and the stars above the sky.

I rejoice upon knowing the sun's miracle as I see

visions of heaven in a lover's eyes.

And yet all these are temporary.

In a world of ever changing needs and wants,

of footprints on the sand and castles in the air...

I live for the moment even if the moment is fleeting.

Still it is the the power to dream

when I close my eyes that makes me want

to see what the next day brings ...

it is all I know that's precious

please don't take that away too..

for in my life, I know nothing tangible

than hopes and dreams.

People...

2011-12-14T02:13:00.002+08:00

It's horrible when one starts to be punitive with oneself when the rest of the world also thinks the same way. I know I totally blew it when I missed out on the company Christmas party because I had total amnesia. So I went to work with this lingering feeling of alienation. I get fed up when someone asks me where where I not there?

I didn't men that to happen but perhaps my psyche wants em to forget because deep down inside I feel that I don't belong there anyway. And for someone in my position you aren't supposed to do that. But then again it is rare for someone to ditch a gathering like that. And I am glad I now know how it feels. If feeling horrible is something you need to be thankful for. Dez is still sore with me. But as a bonus, Tyler and Hannah brought sundae with chocolate syrup inside the conference room-they have one for me. I feigned surprise. But of course I was expecting it. Well nothing is so bad anyway.

***

Paean

2011-12-13T13:37:00.001+08:00

There is such thing

as overwhelming joy

that sets your heart

on fire.

the smoke that brings tears to your eyes.

it's the thunder that shakes

the tendrils

of vines in the heart of the Amazon.

the ever distant howling

of monsoon wind.

the struggling feet of children

running toward you.

It is the cries of Orinoco river

as it makes its way into the Atlantic..

There is a bigger force

at work here.

a bigger picture that illuminates.

the core that spins

undying devotion to the one.

it is the force that folds

lanscapes into mountains.

the circle that holds planets in their

orbits.

the very thing that gives birth

to the stars and galaxies

the primal word that says...

YOU.

Kindness where are you?

2011-12-11T13:44:00.001+08:00

Kindness where are you?
I have been looking for you on empty streets
feeling exiled from myself,
feeling I have lost a special friend,
and I have this black hole inside
as I call your name again and again.

Like twins we used to play a lot
and you were my big brother.
You defied those who wanted to bully me.
You were there when I cried and
you picked me up when I fell...
But I lost you along the way.

Perhaps I was holding so tight
my knuckles white with too much force.
It's fear that poisoned our moments
like harsh wind that rapes the flower
from the vine, and now I lost you..
In tatters you drifted
as I tore you with my rage!

But where will I go dear kindness, where?
You were the only home I know
the only reason why I keep trying
and now I am trying, knees deep in mud
clothes soaked with rain...

I will keep looking for you, hoping to find you...
because I am only myself when I'm with you.

Joshua Radin-Closer and Closer

2011-12-10T15:18:00.011+08:00

There was a period when I love watching all Zach Braff movies and that's where I got to hear Joshua Radin. I love his music. Totally soulful and bluesy with traces of country folk. Most of his arrangements are what I usually like in music. Not too noisy but not too 'old". Just the right kind of vibe.

I listened to Jam 88.3 when I was in Manila and most of his songs were played a lot. I remember this station fondly. I used to win prizes by just calling the station to answer questions about bands they play. The highlight was actually winning a concert ticket to Jars of Clay right at the front seat!

Who doesn't like Joshua Radin right? His songs are sensitive, introspective and unpretentious. I was lucky to find this gem-with lyrics included!

Joshua Radin - Closer

So, we're alone again
i wish it were over
we seem to never end
only get closer
to the point where i can take no more

the clouds in your eyes
down your face they pour
won't you be the new one born to shine
i take the blue ones every time
walk me down your broken line
all you have to do is cry

hush my baby now
your talking is just noise and won't lay me down amongst
your toys in a room where i can take no more

the clouds in your eyes
down your face they pour
won't you be the new one burn to shine
i take the blue ones every time
walk me down your broken line
all you have to do is cry

photographs and brightly colored paper
are your mask you wear in this caper
that is our life
we walk right into the strife
and a tear from your eye brings me home

the clouds in your eyes
down your face they pour
won't you be the new one burn to shine
i take the blue ones every time
walk me down your broken line
all you have to do is cry

Featured also in the hit tv show, Scrubs.

====================================================================

Filipino Psychology

We pinoys are sentimental. That's what a lot of Western people observed coming here. They noted that there seems a lot of singing and also that we are so preoccupied with love songs. Well, I used to deny this about myself but now I realize that one can't get away from collective consciousness. You can't get away from who you are. We just love singing our woes away.

My Filipino Psychology course in college showed me how REALLY different we are.

Culture plays a big part in a relationship and sometimes this can get in the way. But we always try our best to make it work. In the end, we're all out there needing to be found.

Feel Good Movies

2011-12-10T02:41:00.003+08:00

What's your feel good movie-or movies? Mine is Breakfast at Tiffany's(1961). It's got everything: beautiful music, Audrey Hepburn, New York, Givenchy and the cat! I love the opening scene where she steps out of the car and walks towards Tiffany's. What she does next explains it all- and how the contradictions of everything are given light especially in that last scene where she looks for her cat. I will post memorable scenes from that movie:

Deepsandwitch uploaded this video: Celebrating the style & elegance of Blake Edwards (1922 - 2010), with the famous opening scene of Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961). Blake Edwards, Audrey Hepburn (wearing Givenchy) & Henri Mancini. Comedies don't get more perfect than this.

This one is uploaded by V195full

Uploaded by movieclips

This beautiful last scene made me weep as a kid. Hmm...that explains why I turned out this way.

Something Dark, Something Nice

2011-12-09T04:05:00.006+08:00

I was probably around 8 when I saw "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. As a child I got fascinated with Sting's distinctive voice, his badass British persona and how people around know him. I didn't know it was hero worship already. But whatever it was, it left a big impression on how I define attractive people.

Let's face it, the lyrics aren't really 'nice". The song talks about obsessive love. Consider these lines:

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you

It's like putting someone in close scrutiny. Like a stalker. The here's the heavier part:

Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace
I dream at night, I can only see your face
I look around but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep calling baby, baby please...

Isn't this familiar? You don't have to be sick in the mind to relate to this. Longing is longing in all levels. As they say when you fall for someone it's hook, line and sinker.

Oh can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you

I think the 'stalker' in this song is explaining that sometimes, no matter how wrong it is to feel that desire for someone, stopping it or letting it go isn't easy because it hurts. And pain is a great motivator to either turn us away or hold us.

The next time I saw him was in the movie Dune. He was really badass there and that's when I start to see rockstars in a different light. Where I was, people listened to Kenny Rogers, Ray Conniff, Abba and The Beatles. The persona of Sting and those who followed like Anne Lennox and David Bowie became a source of fascination for a grade school student who got bullied a lot.

I remember going home and turning the TV on and then the music of Sting came up. Then there's his black and white face in hawk-like expression. An angelic predator.Those were the things that made those times worthwhile for me. I was an only child so I was silent and brooding most of the time. It was the music that carried me to this age. And the same one responsible for giving me the people who are now part of my life.

Being Insular II

2011-12-08T01:32:00.005+08:00

I know I am once again feeling nostalgic so I am writing down things that happened in the past that made significant impact in my life. I was in a circle of guys-just four of us. Jun was doing artworks in the form of paintings and multi-media presentations. Arnold was working in the museum of St LaSalle University. Dexter was an amateur film maker who used to be an apprentice of famous Filipino director. I was fronting an alternative band and was bumming around.

One day there was a national strike. There was nothing to do because transportation was halted. It was summer. Knowing that I was the one who love being isolated, they invaded my house. I was making protests that I was reading and doing things and I didn't want to go out due to the heat. It was hopeless. They literally dragged me out after making me realized that i was missing out on what made life excited. We were out of college just a few months before and were finding our way.

We did something crazy. We had a road trip without money so we would know if it was possible to survive after two days on the road. We started our trip by finding a sugarcane truck . We asked the driver to hop at the back. He let us. Our trip started going South on the route. We had a map and we checked out landmarks to know where we were every time and when to get off. We stopped by rivers and threw stones on the water and watched the golden light hit the waves. The afternoon was getting more pleasant. Then we found another truck . We crossed the border from Negros Occidental to Oriental around evening. "Hey we are crossing the border!" I think it was Dexter who shouted and we all joined in. We lay on our backs at the back of the truck watching the blue sky turn silver until first sign of the stars appeared. I think that was the happiest time in my life. The feeling of freedom between friends. We found a church and there's this kind priest who invited us to dinner. he also gave us allowance because he knew what we were doing was crazy and that he wish us safety on our trip. Dexter took his address. Dexter was also the one who sent him a thank you letter.

That night we stopped by a fire station. There were other guys there watching cable TV. Being free spirited and daring, i noticed no one was watching TV. I switched the channel to MTV. I heard Dexter grumbling telling me it's impolite for me to do that because we're visitors. I told him to chill out and not act like a grumpy old man. That started our argument. We started fighting all the way and I remember it turned out to be a shouting match. The others calmed us down. Arnold stayed with me and consoled he. He said that Dexter should not have been too harsh with me because I was not really doing anything wrong. Few hours later we stopped by a boulevard. There were people drinking on the side enjoying the ocean breeze. We sat there and talked until morning. We all saw the sun rose for the first time above the silver sea. Then Dexter sat beside me an started apologizing. I apologized too for the way I snapped and it was forgotten. The next few hours were in Silliman University talking to a professor about our 'film project". She toured us around and we were tempted to jump into the pool.

We literally circled the island after . There were moments we dropped to unknown places surrounded by sugarcane ...there were times we made conversation with farmers and even people with guns. It was like the movie Stand by Me only that we were older. There were quarrels among us guys(and I realized it started with me mostly) but the situation was patched up later. I always believe in this motto that friendship between guys is like a basketball. You throw it around and it bounces back to you. They know about my secrets and never held back details. I got the kick seeing their faces dissolve into disgust and amusement. They were the brothers I never had.

We made it back the next day safely. My mom was worried that we might have been caught in the strike with no transport. What the four of us did remained a secret...between us. They're married now. Sometimes we get to see each other and remember the crazy summers. That adventure got repeated again a year after. Moments like this makes me get out of my isolation and seek them out. It was the only moment that i felt I belonged.

Being Insular

2011-12-07T23:05:00.022+08:00

Before all these my life has been different. I remember last year that I was only concerned about one thing: my music blog and my job. After years of missing someone(and still having that person's photo and mine taken around 2002)I finally set that part of me free(and eventually lost the picture in the process) I worked in Manila for 5 years in order to start new memories. Because that time, before I left Bacolod, the place was getting smaller and I had family issues that I wanted to take a breather from.

I packed my bags along with a friend. We didn't know what to do. The guy who promised to let us stay in his flat (for a night until we find a place to rent) did not keep his promise and we were left stranded on the port. With nowhere to go, we wandered the streets of Manila, under the heat of the noon sun-two guys from down South feeling alienated and unsophisticated form the so-called urban jungle.

I remember we had to go to a mall to 'cool down' and I changed my shirt in the men's room. Along the way, I was talking to my friend in English. The guards thought we we're a bunch terrorists-especially me because I was wearing a bonnet. They stopped me out and soon we were surrounded by men in arms and police dogs. I found the whole thing ridiculous. People were staring. Our worse fear was to end up in the evening news. My friend tried to explain that we're from Bacolod and we're here to start our life. And he also pointed out to them the reason why we were talking in English was due to too much sugar cane( I cracked at his sense of humor that moment). The guards started laughing and one of the guys smiled at me. He said" hey I din't know you're from Bacolod. I came from Bacolod too!" And in a few moments, the scene came back to normal. We were dismissed and I and that security guy shook hands.

MY friend and I eventually found a place-the next day. Not after stopping by Malate that night and then sleeping on the street just a few feet from where the street party was happening. I remember the loud beats, the caucasian men and women dancing, while we tried to kill mosquitos. That night we also met this girl who was running away from trouble. We broke free from the crowd then found an old cemetery. was my first time trespassing on a cemetery. The three of us talked until dawn about life and then it weas time to go. A few hours later my friend and I found a place to rent.

Life became routine. I found interesting people and did things I never did at home. My friend and I eventually had a falling off. He left and I relocated to another location. There I found three new friends. I had issues with attachment. I get easily attached to people and this can hurt. I also don't like it when people want to keep me. I started living in isolation because I love the feeling of leaving as I pleased and not committing to anything. And it was my life for 5 years. Until I came back to Bacolod.

Going back to my province was like being free. I lost the old circle I used to hang out with. Actually I never formed a new circle after coming back. For me it was work and home. I used to raise my eyebrows at people work who get crazy falling in and out of love. I was like" love only spells disaster". And I was always in good spirits. I was contented. I wasn't THAT happy but I was not depressed to. And I thought my life was ok until I found someone in the internet whom I made a connection.

That person found me-my soul mate. And because of that person I met the love of my life.And everything just went into haywire. Right now, I fell like a Picasso painting. I know too that I never felt like this before. And it's driving me crazy. My safety is threatened. There are times I need to back off on a corner to think. And yet it is impossible because everything is connected. And I am holding on to an anchor. Because I can't be swept again. And yet I know I shall never be dry again. All I know is that the past four months were about accusations, conflicts, all the rant about who is unfair and who isn't...and also who is getting enough love and who isn't. Now I am accused of being insincere with my friendship and it felt like a stab. It hurt so much. All the more reason why I need to back off.

I always find myself refreshed after being somewhere safe. I feel that for friendship to work, there should be a sense of peace.

Currents

2011-12-06T05:49:00.004+08:00

Sometimes sadness covers my mind
like dark clouds
unrelenting, gigantic and turbulent,
depression is like a blade
that cuts across, drawing tears
if not actual blood.

Sadness is part of me and my past
that's how my life came to be
that's how it will end...yet sometimes
hope shines through like the golden
rays after the rain...
that great feeling when your face
catches the breeze and the leaves
take that sheen and sparkle
brought about by droplets..

Sometimes rage grips me like a huge tide
moving stones and grinding pebbles under
sometimes the undertow pulls
as currents drown me deep..
and yet there's always something
to hold on to
the lifeboat of existence...
we all caught in the tempest
when life hands you something..
something too much..

And in our motions to stay above it all
there's the lighthouse of affection
from the god of little things.

P.S. This post has nothing to do with actual events or situation.

Crackle

2011-12-05T11:19:00.030+08:00

I feared your leaving

when there was no response .

We were having fun with your new computer.

I felt the dread rising.

It took a while for you to come back.

And then you said "there's a car on fire outside".

"What???"

I asked you not to go out,

Stay indoors, call the police.

You said you already called the fire department.

Seconds seemed forever.

Orange flame in the stillness of the night.

Heartbeat,

adrenaline rising,

prayers,

I held my breath.

More silence between us and then...

You saw and heard car wheels exploding!

It's taking the fire truck a while to get close,

as it moved around the block in centipede pace.

Seconds stretched to forever as we waited.

To see without seeing,

To feel without the physical.

A moment shared.

Seconds lost to embers.

Hands ticking with smoke stretching out.

They were putting the fire out now..

White smoke rising,

Relief !

It was past 4am.

"You'd be surprised" you said..

"Only two people

bothered to witness the spectacle outside".

And...

Then just us, two people

alone in each other's space...

To see without seeing,

To feel without the physical.

And finally...

A dawn to remember.

The Piano Story

2011-12-04T18:22:00.010+08:00

You talked of this boy who knew how to play the piano
he was not a prodigy but someone who was good with the keys.
What's impressive there, was not because he played
the instrument to stand out..

Rather he played so everyone can sing together,
and to let the chords carry the song like huge wings
guiding along and not ahead...

You said that's what you love about it all.
when music is supposed to bring everyone together
...and not apart.
Isn't it pride and vanity that keeps people apart?
You've shown me again and again, but have I listened?

Picture (Piano Boy from http://www.mariahellen.com)

Weak Signal

2011-12-04T02:37:00.014+08:00

I went out tonight. Just several blocks away. I needed the cool evening breeze again which was coupled with moisture after the rain. There were people walking around and I love the freedom of walking and listening to music at the same time. Reminds me of older days when I felt safe, with no fear in the world.

When I was a kid,my aunt brought me a helicopter toy. It's banana yellow with white propeller,the size of a match box. I loved it so much that I took it to bed in my sleep. Then in the middle of the night I rolled and broke the propeller. I remember how terrible it felt. That snapping sound. They wanted to keep it for me. They said I could play with it in the morning.I did not let them. I wanted it with me. In the morning I was trying my best to fix it. And they could not find anything like it anymore. I was so disappointed and bitter with myself that I sulked. I had other helicopters but I know it was my first and last and it haunted me. That's the problem with possessiveness...it breaks.

I stopped by the community gym and there was this band rehearsal. There were high school students around. I think I blended well in my pair of shorts and a black shirt with a printed word "Got Kids? in white. I thought it was one of those rock bands who are trying to play screamo or four-chord tracks again. They looked Emo to me. Then relief came when they played smooth Jazz,funk and crossover tunes. You can tell that these are seasoned musicians based on the way they play. The show was sponsored by a popular radio station. I started to write something to a friend in Lyon.He's a piper. I probably composed several paragraphs when the message had a hard time sending due to network issues.
I felt bad because I love the feeling of the moment and that I was trying to tell him about this night . I was also trying to tell him that it's been more than 10 years since I was up that stage performing. Everything changed. There were two lady cops who were performing body check to those arriving to make sure no one brought a weapon.
The funny thing happened though. Someone from the radio station approached me and shook my hand then told me about the sound check and how they're trying to make the best sound to really go through. The guy probably assumed that I know them and perhaps I am a fan of the station or I know the band since I looked like I was listening. I struck out amiable replies before the guys head out for dinner.

I was trying to send the message again and again with no success. I went back to gmail , look at my mailbox and watch out for any message. Then without knowing it, I dozed off on bed. I woke up to find an email. There were three(from the same person). I felt that I wasted a great deal of time by sleeping. I could have responded earlier if I hadn't fallen asleep. I realized I forgot dinner completely. Now it is almost 3 am and I am wide awake. With no one to talk to.

The band were playing this tune...

Stage Fright?

2011-12-03T01:25:00.004+08:00

This topic grabbed my attention because a special friend is performing in public soon. Along with other musicians.

The thing about performance is that you really need the adrenaline rush in order to sound totally inspiring. Your inner feelings are communicated through the music you play and people will know if you love what you are doing or not. And also playing a tune is like taking the listeners for a ride, the highs, the lows and the total sense of abandon that music brings to one's soul.

I think no one ever overcomes stage fright. It is a part of you that demands for quality. But then again there are cases that it can become a hindrance. Or in worse case, cripples someone's performance.

I see musical performance the way I see public speaking. You need to connect to the audience and build that sense of trust. For instance when I am in front, I usually look for people in the audience to connect with . It might be five or less but eye contact is important. When you see them nodding their heads in encouragement, it makes you want to go on and give better performance. Also, it makes you realize that the audience are not monsters who are ready to eat you when you make mistakes.

There are other ways to cope with stage freight and this link might help further.http://chad-criswell.suite101.com/overcoming-stage-fright-a18889 Good luck!

Minor Disappointments

2011-12-02T23:45:00.005+08:00

I was so afraid I have nothing to blog about because I have been very happy this past few days. I have reunited with someone whom I really really care about. I was afraid it was over between us. And I tried to live, get through the day to be happy, but there's that missing piece(a piece of your heart or soul that is). It's like losing an arm or leg that that ghost haunts you moment by moment. I tried to look for attention in all the wrong places. I tried to seek acceptance from others but this was short-lived. And people can be minor disappointments.

There are sharks everywhere and they will eat you when you are weak. I have learned to stay away and hold back. I have observed how mean people can get when they are in a circle or cliques. When you try to get into their circle they will make you feel accepted and important...without knowing that you just turned yourself into a clown. I see this happening even at work where people are supposed to be professionals. It seems there are those who still think that they are in High School. Get a grip.

Anyway I feel better now that I have ranted about what makes me mad and what make's me happy. All in all I feel happy. Yes I was annoyed. But as I was saying, minor disappointments can be wiped away with soap and water...or just ignore them.

5 Reasons Why I Say No To Facebook.

2011-11-29T06:15:00.013+08:00

Reasons why I don't want to go back to facebook:There are lots and lots of reasons. But I am stating the common ones. I have not logged in for a month due to personal reasons. Sometimes people read too much for something that isn't there simply because you aren't physically present to pacify them.

I am sure many of you can relate to this. We have the choice to protect ourselves from something that causes pain. It's not cowardice. It is choosing what's good for you. Because if you don't know what's good for you then your next stop is a Psychiatric ward.

Consider these links: http://www.theinternetpatrol.com/the-story-behind-the-emma-christmas-eve-suicide-over-a-facebook-status-update/

or this one: http://www.truecrimereport.com/2010/01/phoebe_prince_15_commits_suici.php

Satisfied? Now let me go ahead and share the 5 reasons which I think are valid enough:

1. Fighting. My whole experience with social networking sites has been about trouble. Facebook destroys family lives, relationships and even prompted people to commit suicide. I know there are benefits rather than cons but as the saying goes: once bitten , twice shy- I need to try friendship using other means.

2. Vanity. The habit has gotten into the point as to how many people respond to your posts or if they like your music. More and more it has been dictative rather than voluntary. I know that posting a lot of my songs seem like shoving meat into throats of people who are vegetarians. I saved them the trouble and stopped before someone complains. Facebook is supposed to be about sharing but more and more it has turned into an arena of who has the more uploaded pics or who went with who. Even relationships are made into banners. No sir!

3. The art of messaging has lost its meaning. People need to message you directly about stuff that concerns only the two of you and not dragging people into it. As it turned out, the messages turn to weapons of destruction. No one likes to 'tell you something' any more but rather post the the amusing stuff for others to see.

4.Any form of addiction is bad. I noticed that it has taken most of my time and I can't get up until my butt feels like it's being fried under. There are other things to do like talking to your folks at home, getting fresh air or reading a book.

5. Heartbreak. One of the reasons why people turn away form each other is misunderstanding. And facebook intensifies it. I remember putting the reputation of someone in jeopardy because of a friend who posted about stuff that should not be mentioned in public. I tell you it's not worth the pain.

There are more reasons why but i am just stating the ones I find obvious. If you care about someone, there are other means to show your feelings. Email that person, or talk using skype. Facebook is like celebrity lifestyle. Enjoy it, wear it but never take it seriously. And when it starts to suck, throw it.

Influence

2011-11-28T12:56:00.001+08:00

Don't you just have this wicked longing to influence others? I know I have this and that is why I blog. I like to dip my mind into something and watch how it developes.
I play my music loud. I installed huge speakers in my bedroom. When the music plays I am downstairs. I guess you got the idea why.
Beyond my bedroom window overlooking the front yard is a space where young people and children hang out. They either play or converse. It is also shaded by two huge mango trees and bananas so it is really a place to relax. Prior to my sound installation, teens brought their own music players and the music was awful! Now children get to play basketball listening to Dead Can Dance, Clannad, Altan, Ashley MacIsaac and the like. Of course they can't complain. I have the monopoly of the music ...unless someone in the neighborhood has bigger speakers and better amps.

This is not recent thought. Even as a college student, I have been injecting my recorded playlists on jeepneys and buses. Now that has extended to cyberspace. I believe when you have the means and the power to do something to affect the world then you have to do it. In your own little way you are setting the course of the future.
These kids will have their 'sound memories' when they grow up. This will somehow alter their perception of the world. And that is something good to think about!

Bang and Blame

2011-11-28T06:17:00.001+08:00

Is this false sweetness?
The smile that was with you
when you were alone.
Is this false tenderness?
those words that accompanied you
in stormy nights...

How could you doubt
something that touched you?
How could you hate
something that awakened you...

It was not I who made the rules
It was not I who put fences
it was not I who said "I can't do that".
All I ever did was wait..

And I waited
thinking I could endure
the time and space.
But I am no better than
anybody...my heart was kept too
long with artificial means...
I died inside .

Sweeter History(Prose)

2011-11-27T03:21:00.003+08:00

You ran away looking for home.
I thought I could give you my heart
a place to call your home
I thought I could give you what you need
a council from the rain
a warm from the darkest nights
a place for both of us..

But then months passed by
and I realized my home
is a deck of cards
and it fell on us..
I realize I have nothing much to give
I wish I could but nothing
is ever enough
I know love is for those in need
but I didn't know I was needy too

And the walls crumbled
and the bliss turned to dust
and we let go without much thought
sometimes I re-visit the old place
just to understand...walking over rubbles..the tattered
walls of our love letters
and broken records of songs we used to play
..they still haunt me...
but what is meaning
where there's nothing left to say?

We sometimes look for love in all the wrong places
we sometimes fail to understand that we could not
give what we don't have
it just makes sense when sweetness comes from
sweet people with sweeter history...
I should have given more but I didn't know
I was needy too.

And what would it mean to say,
That, "I loved you in my fashion"?

Enclosure

2011-11-25T12:31:00.004+08:00

I find myself surfing and blogging through my mobile more and more than in my computer. I find that doing something while lying down is easy than setting down in full concentration. I also find that my back pains are brought about by spending too much time in front of a pc.

More and more I find it easy to gather my thoughts when I am moving rather than staying in one position. It is fascinating how the brain works differently with different people. I think mine is used to multitasking. That is why I find clarity of thinking when my body is moving while I think.

I find it harder to be with people now without feeling that I might commit a mistake. It is a frustrating place to be in. But that is just me...until I find the right folks to be with then I just have to bear with that lump in my throat.

The reason why...

2011-11-24T06:08:00.001+08:00

I feel happy today. You know why? Someone sent me a link to a video about flowers blooming in slow motiom. There is something that hugeness, or littleness of things. Also in slow motion and high speed.

I am sad that the pain is leaving. It means I will start thinking about the people I blocked in my life. Sometimes I am one of those who treat pain like a banner. It is like a sign you put out on your door that says BEWARE. But how can one be sad when one knows he is cared for. Perhaps by even those who caused him pain.

I think we are all victims of circumstance. But it is too early to understand.

Speak softly

2011-11-22T04:07:00.001+08:00

Those who speak softly always get what they want. If you want to get people do favors for you then you should have more than good looks. You should know how to talk to people.

I have seen how people in power apply force or even fear to get what they want but this is temporary. Kindness goes a long long way. I think our push button generation has spawned a breed of rude people.

I have the tendency to be difficult when you try to tell me what to do instead of ASK. People who have known me can tell you that I am nice. I am only bad to those who have no regard to feelings. These are people who probably lost their spine at child birth.

Real power lies in humility and the capacity to be quiet at the most troubling times.
===============================
Isn't it funny that the very people whom you tell your troubles to, these very people who are supposed to protect you from the cruelty of the world end up the ones who cause you great damage?

You were supposed to be my friend, my brother and my mentor. How could you run me over like a rabbit? This very thing happens in homes where the guardians are supposed to keep the kids away from predators. Guess what happens?? Even in our churches where priests are supposed to be the image of purity??? These are times where no one is safe anymore. When it is easy to twist malice and call it love. The victims go on walking wounded. Some even loose their hearts. May you be safe.

Intensity

2011-11-20T09:25:00.001+08:00

We love intensity. This feeling that rushes through like a tidal wave. There are certain people who make us feel that way. But they also leave us stranded...marooned and worse drowning. At 36 I thought I have learned a great deal about control. But you would not know how far you'll go until you let your guard down.

It is only in our sick moments when we know what we are capable of doing. There are things I did that filled me with shame. And they were done out of anger...the blind moments we usually have when we are provoked to act like little kids. Studying ourselves how we act at certain situations can be interesting. After all we can surprise ourselves. No one can say he knows fully about himself. You could never know until you are exposed to the most trying situations.

Our environment can influence how we react. I noticed that older people like me.I think it is because that sense of peacefulness and ease I see in them is something I want too. I am glad when a friend told me that he believes I am nice. Sometimes I doubt if there is anything of that quality is still inside of me. But I am glad he thought so. I am also nice to this friend since I met him around December last year. He is like a brother I never have. I wish I can be tender with everyone. I wish that I always start in the right footing.

This year has made me strong. And I think it will determine the steps I will take in admitting people to my life. I shall never be a slave again.

Good Folks

2011-11-19T16:24:00.002+08:00

I had a long talk with my friend Layne the other day and I was glad I was able to hear new stuff. He has been busy with school but still has the time to compose and listen to music.
My routine has changed dramatically for the past few weeks. I am also glad that I am able to survive one of the most emotionally challenging episodes of my existance-to be free.
There's no anger anymore...only a sense of being used and betrayed ...but these hardly matter now. People still care and they can surprise you. I feel the outpouring of affection from all around me. I know I will get there. It is just a matter of time.

By Chance

2011-11-14T05:06:00.005+08:00

It is by chance that we meet people who have the same interest like us. My frustration for being a fan of Celtic music is that it's hard to find another person like me in this country. Most of my contacts who share the same enthusiasm are online.

It is by chance that I met Ryan through a party held at Tyler's house. Tyler is from the United States who is currently assigned here.He has a wife and a three-year-old girl who is so cute and energetic. Ryan is our common friend in facebook but it didn't occur to me that they also share a flat. I remember seeing Ryan looking sleepy on the dinner table while I was heading to the kitchen to get beer. We waved at each other and then I noticed the resemblance from his facebook pic. I called Tyler. "Is that Ryan?" I asked. And he said yes."Jose right?" Ryan extended his hand. I can tell he was dealing with a bad hangover.

So what's when we started talking some more and continue to do so online. I learned he loves Celtic music and he told me that he and his buddies used to listen to this station called "Thistle and Shamrock" which plays all types of Celtic music, and he was 14 at that time. He also listen's to Ashley MacIsaac. I later learned that he is a musician as well.

Well it seems I now have someone to talk to about music and other stuff offline. And I think the next time we hang out will be a blast.

Existential Angst

2011-11-13T00:00:00.000+08:00

My cousin left today. I told her the reason why I was not able to communicate using text was because someone snatched my cellphone. I was riding the jeepney home when I dozed off. I was at a party earlier and was tipsy. This guy beside me got off the block but not before snatching the phone off my hand. At that time what was happening did not register on my mind. I was wondering why someone was struggling with my hand. I was trying to remember why. Then I realized my phone was missing. I even searched my pockets to make sure. Not wanting to make a scene out of it, I just settled back.

That guy was probably desperate to sell it. I hope he got what he wished for. If it was to help his family then that's ok. I can always buy another one. But if it's for drugs or booze, I hope he overdoses.

I am at page 45 of the novel The Children of Men. Augler was in my training class when he mentioned he love reading books too.He brought this to my attention. The story takes place in 2021 when men lost the capacity to procreate. The impending doom of humanity's end brings about chaos, suicide and violence. It is a very interesting novel dealing with Science and existential angst. It gets better.

It's almost midnight and I need to get up early tomorrow to go to the market. I hope to have coffee with an acquaintance again and breakfast with that recovering alcoholic I probably mentioned in my earlier posts. Or it could be an email to a friend which I have mistaken as a blog post. Either way it is interesting to be in a state where I am trying to observe things as if from the outside.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

2011-11-12T01:16:00.002+08:00

Now laughing friends deride, tears I cannot hide...I am listening to an old song called Smoke Gets in Your Eyes. I am smiling while listening to it because it is such a good song. I love the idea of how we are embarrassed to show pain when someone leaves us. This usually happens when a lot of people know about the relationship and some will tell you" I told ya!" and all the blame.

This song is also featured on a Steven Spielberg film called Always. It's about this pilot who met an accident but his ghost could not move on because he still looks over his true love. It also stars Audrey Hepburn and I think this is the last film she made before she passed away in 1992.

Everything is almost still at 1 am. And I am here alone typing away and bleeding through letters. Sometimes I consider writing as a conversation to myself. In other times, my SOS to the world. If only it is possible to send a message in a bottle and seeing it come back with another message inside it telling you " I found you and I am going to rescue you from the loneliness".

I guess no one is ever complete . There will always be pieces of us floating out there worn by someone. There are cases when by chance we meet that someone but for reasons we can't control they just fly away or it's us who fly away. But it is good to imagine it is possible. If only.

Something More Than This

2011-11-11T07:41:00.005+08:00

Hi Peeps. How are you doing? I confess I don't feel ok. I will be applying for a sick leave because I don't have a voice. I sound hoarse. But I love it! I like how I sound like when I sing. I wish my voice doesn't go back and I will just have this beautiful one. Someone borrowed my external hard drive for movies again. I love the idea of being stuck on bed watching Fringe, Vampire Diaries and Haven. I will have something to chew and drink as well. My dog Precious will drop by from time to time to ask me how I am doing. I will tell her I am fine and thanks for your concern .

My trainee also lent me his book and it is Science Fiction. I will look into it this weekend. "I want to be alone" is the immortal line of Greta Garbo. Should I have that line as well? I think there is a ring of truth on it. I do want to be alone. Alone from the noise, the crowd, the memories and alone from things that make me feel sad. Sometimes I wish Sandman will just abduct me at night and never send me back. I feel so lonely . Yet I want to be lonely. Now that requires a lot of decision making.

My cousin is back. She told me my aunt and uncle had an argument again early in the morning. Old fighting folks. Sigh. Yesterday I cleaned up my aunt's room because all her books were piled up in one place and all her sewing material were in another. Some of them were on her bed. I was afraid she'd injure herself. I had to overcome all her struggles to move her stuff. I was exhausted after but it was worth it because her room started looking like a real bedroom. I also had to force her to take her vitamins. She is getting thinner. I think my time is running out with her. I need to fight time. I need to fight odds. I need to be monstrously tough to get through this. She is all that I got who reminds me of my good side. And I have to be forceful even if it means getting into a row with her everyday. As long as she recovers.

I do miss not getting email or checking fb. I have to admit, it seems like another time and place. I can't go back...just yet. It took me six months to settle an issue with a friend before. I think this will take me a year or two. Kidding. Of course not! But I am fascinated with this new situation. I can't say I love it but it is something I'd like to explore more.

The Change

2011-11-09T20:20:00.001+08:00

I am still getting used to this new routine in waking up alone. In being alone, I mean the idea of rushing to check my gmail for new messages-or even facebook. The love/hate relationship I had with social networking sites as well as online chatting had taken its toll and I just gave up.

Now it's like starting from scratch. The downside is that, since I have not payed much attention to my offline relationship, then at the moment I don't have any. I know I am not a forever kind of guy, but I do know that when one relationship ends, I feel sorry as I watch it crumble. I am just someone who considers himself as a hand me down type. I was never in anyone's #1 list so I hardly know how it feels to be "the only one". It seems that in all my relationships, I am either just a confidant or worse a 'nice excuse". You see, I know you can't have it all but I also believe in this 'all or nothing' kind of principle.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not pointing out to a specific thing that happened to me personally. I am just using this as an example to describe how it is to be in a situation where we feel so helpless, and yet find it hard to step away. I hope you are able to step away from things that make it hard for you. Life is short and we must do what we can to have that little selfishness...because without it, we will just be another 'nice excuse".

My friend I tell ya it's not easy. It took me five months to finally jump off.

I Love!

2011-11-09T02:27:00.001+08:00

I love the new look of blogger. It gets better and better. I apologize for being away too long. As usual only when bad things happen that my presence is felt here. I know I could do better than that. How are you doing? It's been a long time. Perhaps you might not remember the things we talked about before, the things I have told you...the secrets we shared.

Isn't it funny. The more we get to know one another...and the longer we spend time together, we tend to be come too comfortable. The sad thing is that it makes it easier for us to say bad things to one another when we get mad. Why is it that familiarity always breeds contempt?

I used to love the messages we shared. When we were new and hanging out with you was the best thing there was since dark chocolate. But I am sad that things have to turn out that way. Words, when uttered can never be undone. We said a lot of things -hurtful things because what we had was not enough. It always comes to that. We wanted more. And yet that could never be achieved because of the distance.

But perhaps this is the best thing to do. We could never find peace where there is slavery...nor love when there is pain. I won't leave the door open anymore if it means breaking up again.

Hang on to the people who make you feel good and loved

2011-10-06T13:15:00.000+08:00

Sweetness is my medicine. It is the thing that keeps me going. It is the fuel to my fire and the reason why it is easy to mend after a horrible experience. People don';t realize it but constant exposure to anger , pain and resentment can cause one to become negative. I experience this phase. One day I woke up and realized I've turned into a monster. I thought there's got to be a way.

Then little by little I met people who turn me to the right direction. I then realize that it's not me. I am not as monster. I was constantly provoked and like any creature, fighting back became a habit. Sweetness brought my broken pieces together. And because of that I was able to do more and get more in return. We are all mirrors reflecting one another. We get what we give. If you give love then you get love in return, but nurture hate and all you get is pain. So now I learn to stay away from things that provoke me...and i learned to let go of things that make life difficult. It made a difference.

The Cool Wind

2011-09-05T05:53:00.000+08:00

I feel the first stirrings of the cold season that is coming. I feel that familiar feeling. Like when I was a child and it's cloudy. I am slowly drifting away from things I used to love. I can't help it. It's the season and also doing other things.

I think in relationships there's always a gamble there. You toss the feathers and wait where they land. You anticipate the storms and hope for the best that after everything you are still in one piece. I resort to not talking anymore. I seldom post on facebook. I realize that the moment I start to talk all I get in return is complain. Complain that I am not doing what I am supposed to do or I am not thoughtful enough. And it is always not me who says ' bye'.

With that in mind silence is the best remedy. And oh meeting other people who don't expect too much from you. For once I feel like I am in the center and not outside looking in. I love this feeling of power.

Next Transit

2011-08-28T15:30:00.000+08:00

Life is always like that. Sometimes you feel like you are riding a speeding train and then you wake up and realized that the journey has ended. You keep on insisting for the ride to go on. But like most things in life that can be spent, the ticket ends here.

I think you meet a certain someone for a reason. And sometimes you are just meant to meet at that point. Like railways bisecting or a line crisscrossing, you have to meet. And when that purpose has been served then it is time to go. We don't want this to end and we keep on insisting- even thought that every moment has lost its flavor. But then there are people who keep coming back because there is a reason why. They try to severe that relationship and yet it wont end because it is meant to extend- maybe even to continue for a lifetime.

Everything is a trial and error and sometimes tested and proven wisdom is ignored. My aunt came into my life when I was a few months old because I was seriously sick. She was also undergoing and end of a relationship. A painful end that makes life a long way to hell. But I was there helpless and waiting for my time. She brought me back and since then I didn't want to leave her side. Now we are together. She is in her mid 80s. Accidents happen in life with a purpose. The accidental meeting can be a lifetime relationship waiting to be uncovered.

We all have our life sticks to draw something on the sands of life. Maybe the tides of time will erase whatever we have drawn . But the memories of love remains. And i think love is what matters the most in life. Love, sympathy...togetherness.

Stop Chasing The Moon

2011-08-22T00:28:00.001+08:00

I was listening to Briana Gaither's song Harvest Moon and there's this line there when she starts singing “ I'm no longer undervalued by your use of me
“I am not ashamed of who I choose to be”
What I need to do
is stop chasing after the moon”

I think all of us have been swept away by that illusion of beauty. To think that nothing ends. It is an unrealistic kind of love. A love that is based on addiction and dependence. It is the kind that would not survive. I think most of us have been through the most abusive types of relationships. How we felt so undervalued, unappreciated and cast aside-sometimes in favor of another person.

I also like this part when she sings

”I can't take back the time
but I am taking back my life
laying down my pride
to take a wider stride
I'm letting go of you
and everything you put me through
until I can look at you
without chasing after the moon”..

I think the danger of getting into a relationship with someone is losing oneself to that person. It is hard to balance career, friendship and creativity when you are having a relationship. I guess I have been blinded too. I had my share of selfish moments. I was a loser. I think no one is ever one hundred percent sane when one falls. But it is always nice to acknowledge the fact that you are no better than anyone. It means that you are also human who is capable of loving and being loved.

Brianna Gaither is a wonderful inspirational singer. Check her out here: http://www.briannagaither.com

Sharing, Jealousy and Letting Go

2011-08-17T03:32:00.000+08:00

Do you like to share your friends? There is that point in your life when you meet a great person. The person seems nice. This person is good enough that your parents agree too. All the while you are proud to be in the company of this individual. You see the positive things this person did to your life. You notice the changes and would like to celebrate that discovery to the world.

Everything seems to be fine until one day. You realize you don't really want to share this 'personal discovery' to the world where other people will 'take advantage' of the things that made you gravitate to this friend. You discovered feelings of jealousy. Believe me it is not a pleasant feeling. It gets worse especially when you have your own iinsecurities.Suddenly , you become alienated to this friendship.

How many of us have to deal with the fact that we can't keep a beautiful secret for too long? Are we ready to let go? I have experienced letting go of certain friends because of this. I remember when someone I got attached to said goodbye. It felt like a light has been turned off and there's nothing to look forward too. Then after gnashing teeth and madness , I realize one thing. It maybe sad that jealousy can destroy friendships but it also tells you one thing. You are so good that no one wants to share you.

I think all of us have to go through the trial by fire before we accept things we can't control. All of us have to go through that stage of 'dying inside' before we come into peace with the loss and the fact that you can't own a person. Friendship is supposed to be free. But when fear sets in, or when slavery starts to twist what was once called love then you know it is time to go.

My guru told me all about slavery and how it can hurt so bad. It is like an addiction-only it is something to do with affection. It is only human to not want to share. But we have to understand that what we feel has to do with our own weaknesses.Nothing is blissful that that of letting go and treating love like a bird. It will come in its own will. Don't be too hasty. Don't be too tight. Or it will simply disappear.

This beautiful lonely space

2011-08-15T09:31:00.000+08:00

This year has been tough. There are people I cared a lot who said goodbye. There are so may ' might have beens' but they are pointless. Life moves forward. And despite the fact that people say goodbye all the time, there is one constant fact that remain. No one is ever secured enough. I think if there is something that pain and loss taught me it is strength. No one is ever fragile always. When it gets too much, self-preservation kicks in.

It is good when one learns disappointment because it teaches him not to expect too much. There are so many things in life worth celebrating. I know that my love for music will always remain . It is the only thing I am dedicated too if somehow I can't meet the demands of friendship. I always tell people I am close to that I am a free spirit. I can't live in expectations. I want to go when I want to or stay if I feel like it. But it had its down side. And it hit me hard these past few weeks.

For one to be strong one must walk the lonely path. It is a beautiful lonely place that tells you ' you arrive in the world alone and so you must go alone too”. And so be it.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

2011-07-12T15:51:00.002+08:00

It has been a while since I listened to my old voice. The last update I had for this blog was May. So much has happened. It feels like finding and old bed and jumping on it smelling old pillows and sheets. I think I am finding myself more and more at peace. I feel that it is possible to give love as much as I receive them.

This year has been wonderful. I met new people who shaped my life in such a way that is quite iconic. Sometimes it is bitter, sometimes sweet but it is like a tidal wave crashing into you and you can't do anything but submit to its power. And I have been blessed. I have been happy. I met the love of my life and regardless of problems, I can say that this is the part of my life where I really started to LIVE.

No rocket Scientist can figure out the equation that makes life balanced. So I guess you have to dip your foot on it as it say:the water is warm and inviting , come on over. Today I found the kind of balance I have been seeking. And I earned it slowly and hard. But it is here, it is coming and I will nurture it.

All of us are in a journey, and sometimes we meet, we part, but we are all part of the circle that will come together one way or another. That is the circle we call life. I think is all aspects we should be like water...flowing, caressing, loving but never resisting. We have to let go when it is time, we have to step back if needed to..but we should always keep that big love in our hearts; because in the end all of these are passing. So let us love without limits and swim to this ocean we call life...and at the ending of the day; watch the sunset while sipping margarita!

***

Around 4am, there was this terrible earthquake. Would you believe that I was updating my facebook right at that moment when it was happening? It scared the hell out of me. Timothy and Jimmy were with me when it happened and I was so grateful for the company. Whom can you call at 4am these days?

Confusion

2011-05-02T16:58:00.000+08:00

It is funny that situations can force one to make a decision no matter how hard it is. There are things in life that can touch you in a subtle way and when it leaves it takes everything away. I am finding myself in the crossroads again. I know my case is not hard compared to others who lost family members and their hearts broken. What is my case but a speck of dust in the universe? Sometimes the thought of oblivion is so great. To just fade away and sleep to eternity without knowing what will happen and not remembering what happened to you.

I feel so confused today,. there are things I have touched and they touched me in return and I can not shake the feeling off. Something has changed.

Character Fun

2011-02-08T09:18:00.001+08:00

I am choosy with what I watch on TV. I like to see a really strong female character like Temperance Brennan. She is a forensic Anthropologist. It means she is smart and she is also pretty. In reality it is said that the show's Producer Kathy Reich likes Emily Deschanel because her CV follows that of Reich's.

There are people who won't approve it because of the gory scenes of rotting corpses and sometimes violence. But I think I went pass that and really appreciate the show due to it' authenticity and being 'true to Science".

***

I haven't updated this for a long time. So I just want you to know that I am doing this to fill the gap.

New Year...What's Up?

2011-01-05T07:00:00.000+08:00

I hate making resolutions because nobody really takes them seriously. I think whatever you do with your life depends on your personality and not because you made a promise to yourself. Part of me believes in the fact that how ou were brought up reflects the kind of decisions you make in the future. You are what you eat as they say. So this year m resolution is simple. To be happier , loving and patient. Check out that beautiful music by Sleepthief. A perfect soundtrack to these times.

We Need Computers!

2010-12-22T08:29:00.000+08:00

I thought I could do a Henry David Thoreau...but I realize how attached I am to technology. I love gadgets-not that I need to buy them. I don't really splurge on luxury-just things that I think are important. My old laptop died so I had to get a new one. I don't have a salary raised yet since I am newly promoted. I found this really affordable IBM Thinkpad from 1999.

It looks cool. It has a dock which is detachable, which comes with a floppy disk and CD ROM pdrive. The processor is old as what you would expect. The memory is also limited. I searched the internet for OS that will make machines like this run fast. I found Small Damn Linux which you can just boot from a flash drive. It's great . I don't think I have problems with it any longer.

So guys if you don't have the budget yet for newer machines(which people wrongly bought for the reasons of propaganda) try running them with cool operating system that does not clatter you with too much bloat ware and you will see the difference.

2 AM.

2010-12-09T21:13:00.000+08:00

It is two in the morning. I dismissed my trainees to have lunch. I feel exhausted. I dont know why. Have you ever felt like that too? A new review is up. Please visit www.celticmusicfan.wordpress.com

The end is here.

2010-12-07T08:39:00.000+08:00

It's the end-of another year. So many things happend. I lost a friend. I gained new ones. Life is a series of uncertainties. There will always be people you will love and those you want to murder. In the end it is just you. So the best advice I can give you? Be kind to yourself.

Trying to surf in my mobile.

2010-11-30T13:05:00.000+08:00

And trying to blog to...how are you people? Sorry it took a while. But as you remember... I met a guy by the name of Hexrex months and months ago. He was charming and kind. But there was another person vying for his attention..a lady. So I decided to go. But now I am here...

Oh No No No My Shoes!

2010-11-30T02:02:00.000+08:00

This is one of the totally disastrous moments in a life of a trainer-shoes falling apart in the workplace. I passed by a kiosk the other day and they had this really cheap but nice looking shoes. I decided to buy a pair because one pair look nice.Really classy, shiny brown leather intricate patterns in front. I didn't know it's falling apart. Thank God I have no training today. It would be embarrassing telling my trainees : 'guys I will just lecture from this side' or 'guys you will get this lecture out of me in one dimension'.

Another problem is that I am wearing an old pair of socks that look totally bloated with age. They look huge on me and they really look like a pair of misshapen rabbit's feet. Horrible to look at. And I am getting hungry now so I have to sneak out into the hallway soon. Goodness! That taught me a lesson to buy only new ones next time.

My Aunt's Birthday

2010-11-25T22:46:00.002+08:00

My aunt has started her 8th decade in this world. There were just three people who came to visit. Which makes you think and wonder that a woman of her age, experience and influence could have so little attendees. But I guess no one can really make too much demands with time and age-or who else is alive. Sometimes I wonder what determines a person's importance in the society. It reminds me that there are even those ages 2 to 3 years old who are given such extravagant birthdays and they haven't given anything to the world yet-only taken something. And they might not even give anyway-only take. Spoiled brats.

Today marks my conviction to only keep very few friends in my life(but will have a lot of acquaintances). It is kind of sad to realize that one has to move on. Well, it feels like its just my aunt and me sometimes. We two against the world. And that's what it will always be until the end .

I Love Tweeting

2010-11-23T02:58:00.001+08:00

You probably notice that I added a twitter gadget on the upper right hand corner of my blog. I love sending out twitter updates using my mobile phone because there are days when looking at the computer screen makes me feel tired. It's more convenient and it will give you guys access to my other blog posts.

Do What You Gotta Do

2010-11-11T06:39:00.001+08:00

Pic courtesy of http://www.inspirationalconsultant.com

Today I got training manuals to finish , people I need to talk to and also stuff I need to deliver. It is not easy just do what you want when you are surrounded by responsibilities. Of course I am the one for day dreaming but that is no longer applicable. I sometimes envy people who don't have to get jobs to survive . They just exist in their own time and they are the ones who decide when to go to sleep.

I still listen to music and write about music. But I love how my sense of duty gives me a chance to look back and be responsible for a change. There is a reward being an adult. When I was a teen I was afraid to grow up. That's why I wanted to stay longer in school. I wanted not to pass my subjects so they will retain me. At some point I did enjoy the life of a bohemian. But like anything else I guess it is human nature to seek for an anchor. Suddenly my life became uncertain and that' s when I decide enough is enough.

There is a kind of strengh that one feels when one becomes a pillar for other people's lives. It gives one a purpose for living. Right now I am happy where I am. yes I have paper works and trainees but it is a good change.

Facebok Friends...Duh Do They Read Your Links?

2010-11-05T23:50:00.002+08:00

I love posting links on my facebook profile because I believe these are good links-not only to my blog but to other sites as well. I love posting anything from music to short films. I think links are the best way to start a really good exchange of ideas.
Lately I have been noticing that very few people do actually read my links. When I check my incoming traffic I only get one or two from facebook and I have more than 300 friends. So do you think your 'friends' really care about what you think and what you value the most?

These days I have this love-hate relationship with facebook. Of course I love being able to talk with friends but what I treasure the most is talking about ideas. Nothing gets wrong with that. It doesn't have to cover religion or politics but it has to be something substantial than just talking about the weather right? So who are your true friends?

What I really don't like about facebook is the degree of narcissism that exists there. People post pics or talk about their last meal so that they can get the attention. But it is always about their lives and not about ideas or other people.

here's a good link you might love to read. Am I narcissistic?
http://www.science20.com/news_releaseshttp://www.science20.com/news_releases/narcissists_can_be_identified_by_their_facebook_accounts_psychologists

Wanting to be a Doormat: A Human Nature

2010-10-27T04:36:00.002+08:00

It is but natural to feel that we need to please someone we look up to. Our parents, teachers and best friends are people whom we want to show our good sides. Our bosses at work are also recipients of this phenomena which I compare to being a doormat .

You have to understand how fragile the heart is. It is seldom we show our best sides and sometimes we don't get the best results. Sometimes people just take it for granted because they think we will always be there. And how wrong they are.

For people who love the most, this is one of the richest qualities one can possess. But then again, it's a battlefield out there. Always protect yourself next time. This happened to me and I tell you when we get angry we are all sharks or the capacity to be sharks. Never forget that. So please never let your guard down. Only do it with someone whom you trust and someone in your household because it is a wild wild world out there.

Did I Stink?

2010-10-07T23:44:00.000+08:00

It is a cause for worry when you find out that your trainees are diminishing in numbers. For instance on the first day you have 5 people. The next day there were only four. On the final day you realize you are down to two and the other one was late.

It makes you ask' did I do something wrong". Was my program inadequate. Were there materials not available or resources not exhausted? Am I effective? These are the questions that bug traineers. Because trainees are like your own kids. You care for them and monitor their progress, make sure they don't make a fool of themselves in production. You also make sure that that show potentials of going somewhere in terms of career adavancement.

But I guess there are factors really beyond one's control sometimes. You just have to live with that. You have to realize that you are only human and bound by human limitations. Just be kind to your self and always look at the positive side of things. And just do your job.

Hack it!

2010-10-07T01:00:00.000+08:00

There are times when we are assigned to do something. And we don't have an idea how to do it because there is no resource to pull out any information right? My advice is this: just do it. If you think that it is not really using alien language than try to hack it if you can. Well, if you can't then it is ok. At least you tried. Don't let people know that you are scared. But be honest. Ask questions if you have to. But don't panic. It doesn't help of you get hysterical just because you are asked to supervise a committee on the same day the training materials arrive. Hack it. Teach as you learn with them. In time your courage will give you a lot of benefits.

In this life certainty is not permanent. It is through courage that we succeed. And yes have faith in ourselves. Know what you are capable of doing then you will know where to put yourself into. Know your strengths and weaknesses. I am sure that in time you will get there. Even if you have to crawl, just know what you want. And you will get there.

7 Years

2010-09-16T17:42:00.000+08:00

I got a call from my supervisor. He said there's an important thing to be discussed. I didn't feel good about it. You see, in a call center industry, you are pulled off the floor for very few reasons. Two of them are
1. You did a wrong thing. A seriously wrong thing and you have to be coached.
2. You did a right thing therefore you either get promoted or you got an incentive for that.

As much as I try to be positive, I am a realist. This industry is very competitive. People who work here are supposed to be tough. Your average call center agent is not intimidate by any important figure. After talking to customers who are irate and who make high demands, what could be more intimidating?

We have battled late night shifts, the worst weather and even terrorist threats(which happened a couple of years ago when I was in Manila).

"What did I do"? I asked him. I anticipated the worst.
" You are going to report later at 11 PM." Three hours later than my shift? Something was not right. He continued. "You are going to go down with me to the training room. I will present the discussion for an hour and then you will take over ." My jaw dropped.
"Are you serious?" My supervisor was giving me a half smile. Of course I took it regally as I can. I know that from that time my life will never be the same. Seven years(between different companies) of being on the floor taking calls and looking at my stats. Seven years of hard labor. Now I am off the floor. I will be handling new hires.I am now a trainer. There will be challenges along the way. But as I walk on the street on my way home, I thanked my stars. Surely I was doing the right thing. And that's the best realization I ever have in my life.

Smile Smile Smile

2010-09-10T17:44:00.002+08:00

Smiling sometimes confuses people.It seems that when one smiles, there is an agenda at hand. But then again there are those who just trust the easy way life goes. There are people who believe in the eternal goodness of humanity.

I love to smile at strangers before the start of work. Well...at least when they look so open and about to smile at you. It is not hard to flash that bulb when you feel that you will be compensated. But what about instances when you don't know what will happen? Will you be able to stand being ignored?

Just keep this in mind, Smile and the whole world smiles with you. There is nothing more interesting in life than to feel that you are at home anywhere in the world. It is great to feel that despite cultural differences and geographic distance we are all the same. So smile and you attract the positive energy in the universe.

Hey check this wonderful video from young Irish drummer Rickie O'Neill

Dude Where's My Shoes

2010-09-01T07:28:00.001+08:00

I started being forgetfulness in first grade. I remember doing all sorts of embarrassing things just because I forget to pay attention. Like this instance when I went to the store only to realize that I didn't pull up my zipper up. Or, this one instance when I forgot that I was holding my pen and was asking mom if she saw the pen.

Truth to tell I lost around 12 cellular phones and one digital camera because of my memory problem. I think I also lost a person because of this..which really help because how can you hurt inside when you don't remember the one who caused it? Seriously now, I find it hard to forget memorable momets. That's why there are aspects in my life I remember in detail . Maybe my brain is sellective. It only stores information it finds interesting. For how can you find a pen interesting right?

***

I got myself a new phone. It's one of those Cherry Mobile brands that looks look a Blackberry. It's not expensive so it really works for me. It's also handy for taking videos and pictures. I still prefer my digital camera when it comes to taking facebook pictures. And I REALLY champion my old Pentax film camera when I want serious Photography which doesn't look so serious since I am not really a trained photographer. I just like taking candid pics of people when they are in their most unguarded moment.

I usually strike at parties and point the lens to those eating food. I mean REALLY eating. Or embarrassing situations like people laughing too loud their tonsils show. Nothing beats spur-of- the- moment stuff.

State of the Nation

2010-08-31T08:14:00.000+08:00

It is sad how the law inforcers of my country handled the whole Hostage Incident. I feel shame above all else. Shame that I am born here. Shame that no one in the government is doing something to make it better...and this is where I live. When people from other countires talk about the Philippines, I want to hide under the table. I can feel the frustration and even contempt they have for our form of government.Even our way of life.

In the wake of the tragedy, there are only two parties to be blamed. The police and the Media. The media shamelessly capitalized on the event turning it into camp to boost ratings. The media later on said that if only ther President was around and told them to stop, they would have done so. I can't believe this is straight from a mouth of an educated person. What about conscience and common sense? Can't we rely on them anymore?

The police is also responsible in a sense that there was no organization in what they did. They approached the scene carelessly with no regard to the lives of the people inside the forsaken bus. I had to endure listening to a story of a mother who had to watch her children and husband die in front of her while she had to fake death in order to be spared from the bullets and the knife.

This is one tragedy that will hopefully awaken the nation and get people pick up their common sense-is there's any.

Why are Music Critics Insensitive?

2010-08-22T06:35:00.001+08:00

I have pondered upon this and then a thought hit me when a caterpillar fell on my bald head(at least it's not like Newton's).

Music critics are like us. They are people with feelings. They are creatures of longing and bitterness. Like everyone else, they dreamed of musical success only to be kicked out of the conservatory for lack of improvement. So they stay as close as possible to music-not writing it- but writing about it.

They usually get jealous of successful women singers so I get the impression that most of the male critics who write for Rolling Stones and other popular rock magazines are actually closet queens. They want to have the prettier voices, the better dresses and yes the better vocal range.

They are bullies. How else would you explain a guy who constantly pesters chick music(and the rest of successful women musicians who perform and write their own materials?) This guy is a classic case.

***

I hadn't had enough sleep yesterday so I was like a yoyo at the end part of my shift. I know I should get better.

Inspiration from Friends

2010-08-21T06:03:00.001+08:00

People are more important than things. The smile they bring us is priceless. Here are the beautiful pics sent to me by my high school pal Faith. As students we did nothing but laugh. I got the feeling that my wide mouth was the result of my high school years. Faith is now in the US but we still send messages through facebook and mess the walls of other people by our kick-ass comments. Faith loves being a mom , cooking and gardening. Her garden looks like Eden and I have a perfect soundtrack for her which you will hear on this blog.

...

A Good Song

2010-08-18T06:13:00.004+08:00

Someone posted a question in our Blogger forum :" What makes a good song"?

My answer: Originality doesn't count because nothing is original in music anymore. But a song that has beautiful melody, good lyrics and not too noisy nor too sleepy style is a good thing. For me a good song must have"real"instruments(strings,oboe,clarinet,clavichord,concertina etc) on top of an electronic one. It also must follow classical model such as the beginning, the middle part(if possible the ad lib) and then the coda. It must have a good singer to sing it (Enya, Loreena McKennitt, Moya Brennan or Josh Groban). And a good song should not have ANY rap content.A good song sang by artists on top of the charts especially American Idol winners and those admired by Britain's got talent turns bad...........A lot of people will hate me .

I got a reply from gabby9109

First of i believe a good song can a have a rapping verse in some parts of the song or all i.e the band Why ? .But i do agree with the pushthebutton the lyrics should be something somewhat relatable to the listener. To see my personal opinion of a good song check out my blog at www.gabriellamattis.blogspot.com

My answer:

Not if you are more musically inclined than lyrically inclined. I am more musically inclined so that is how I see it. I don't really care about the lyrics. After all I listen to languages I don't understand. But the standard should be kept. A good voice is one thing that should be noted. Good instrumental arrangement should be observed. Not to mention production techniques that require an ear from a good sound engineer. Mixes like reverb and delay ..or "wash sound" comes into play to. Before the song is release it has to undergo a lot of trial an error. That's what Enya does in the studio. She has no qualms in erasing a recording she has layered for 6 months if she thinks the tempo doesn't go with the arrangement of the song. That's what a real artist should be. Only real musicians are aware of this.A good song does not only involves the lyrics, music and the feeling it gives you. it has to involved the technicalities that make it work.

Read the rest here:

http://www.blogcatalog.com/discuss/entry/what-makes-a-song-good

Habitual Creatures

2010-08-17T08:13:00.000+08:00

I "forced" myself into writing today. I realized that we all are habitual creatures and if we want to make something happen then we have to really 'force' ourselves to do it. Sometimes this hits me as a lonely thought- that there are things that need effort. Why can't we just act out of desire or because something feels good? But that is exactly what sets us apart from animals. We act out of choice and not just instinct. We act out of a kind of love that is not conditional. In this we profess our deepest sense of humanity and humility. I think at the end of the day, being able to do something that not only nourishes you but others is something worth celebrating. We are doing something that affects the universe in out little ways. And I have an obligation. That is to write. So be it.

It also dawned upon me that I am no longer a teenager. I am in full command of my faculties. I can reason out and can be a source of strength. Today I decide to edit myself more and write about things that benefit others and not just myself. Why should I write about my pain and struggles? Life is not that bad to me. Life has been generous. That's why I am still alive and kicking and still here at this age. Why should I not give that love back to the world that has been good to me? Life is meaningful. So be it.

Cherries

2010-07-31T21:30:00.001+08:00

Idon't feel so good today so I ordered Ciccon Vitamin C. Then, I went to the convenience store and bought dried fruits. There's this sweetened cherry that got my fancy. Being in this side of the world, I didn't know cherries have awefully big hard seeds. The first one was a messy experience .The point in this writing is..well, there is no point ast all. Just dropping by to say I am alive and well.

Like an Old Friend (poetic prose)

2010-07-03T16:24:00.001+08:00

Like an Old Friend
There are days when glee falls easily like fine wine on dry throat.
Then there are days when you feel so utterly strange
I know people always have good intentions.
So did you, so did I…
I thought that I could seek solace in you
But why is it that sometimes I feel so left out and so different
Like…you come to me to take the day away
My head says it’s my ears and what I say.
It looks like I figure things for us
And this makes us feel so good about ourselves
That’s why you brings smiles by truckloads
But when the day is done, this feeling creeps over me like wicked vines of kudzu.
There are situations that I am good at.
But I am not so good in all of them.
I don’t have the style or the looks I know that
I have seen The Way We Were.
- Am I an exotic friend?
These days I no longer feel so easy with you
Because I feel you have outgrown me,
I know your good intentions
But they could no longer save me
From this strangeness that creeps in,
Like an old friend

Vampire Attitudes for the New Generation

2010-06-23T11:29:00.001+08:00

It seems vampire craze is back in pop culture as popularized by recent authors such as Stephnie Meyer and Charlaine Harris. I could not blame the public with such frenzy. Stephanie Meyer has brought over the top image to these blood drinkers, making them all the more alluring. The teen twist of ‘Romeo and Juliet ‘further fanned the flames of girls screaming for the nearest bookstand and movie house. True Blood has brought with it such eroticism never before portrayed on television. Here vampires not only suck blood they also know how to make love in a human way-using their organ of copulation and sadistic eroticism that makes a first timer gag in front of the television. Interesting but still utterly cute if compared to the one who originally popularized it.

Anne Rice wrote Interview with the Vampire in the 70s . IT’s not until the 80s that it gained frenzied heights and in the 90’s, a movie was finally made starring Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. The thing that I think is embodied in the whole Vampire Chronicles is actually Anne Rice’s own world view. One who reads The Vampire Lestat could not help but be swept in time back into history. Here we meet the Keltoi Marius, the Druid Mael and Egyptian Queen Akasha. We meet a bunch of interesting periods in history-from the time of Christ up to Renaissance Italy and so forth. Here we witness not only vampires doing things to shock and to titillate but they actually give us a glimpse of human history through immortal eyes. They make us ponder about he eternal question of good and evil, of reason over passion in the reign of Augustus Caesar. The lush prose transports us from palazzo de Medici up to the court of Luis XIV and feel and if we’ve been there. There is history lessons as well, over swirls of fashion of the times. An insight into Anne Rice’s intellectual elitism and aristocratic tastes.

Perhaps Anne is as fascinating as her characters. Her dark sense of humor is justified by her grand style. Yes these new vampires of Meyer and Harris do carry with them new powers and new myths. But they’re just…vampires. Beautiful killers who are meant to tickle the imagination. There is no Lestat or Marius in them. There is nothing wrong with that. But as the old saying goes, you need to distinguish the finery which is wine apart from commercial Pepsi.

(On the pic:Anne Rice)

Humiliation

2010-06-22T12:09:00.000+08:00

There are stuff that I am not really comfortable discussing in the outside world. One of them is not having enough money. Now, writing about it is easier here since you and I are not neighbors. There is less likely that you and I are going to run into each other.
I remember in grade school when I am so ashamed bringing my classmates home because we were living in a small house and that we used dried sugar cane as substitute for fire wood. Imagine the soot in the kitchen. The walls were falling apart. The only thing I was proud about at that time was the fact that my aunt (whom I lived with) used to teach in a University. I was also trained at an early age in good manners, and spoke better English than my age groups (My aunt brought Shakespeare’s Hamlet when I was in third grade and I loved reading it).
There was an episode in third grade when I quit school and some kids were asked by the teachers to check on me to see what’s up. I hid when it happened so I didn’t have to entertain them. But I did remember when I gradated in grade school that I felt so proud. Not only that I did get honors on stage, my aunt was wearing the loveliest silk dress. I think its beauty over powered those of the teachers there. And I remember that I was beaming when I saw her got up onstage to pin the ribbons for me.
Years and years later when I was working in my first job, I had not much money so I had to walk all the way to my flat (which took me more than 30 minutes). I had to eat so little in order to get through until my next salary. People at work pointed out to me why I was eating so little. At loss for better answers I said I am on a diet. Some work mates also saw me walking all the way from work and they reminded me the next day. I said that’s how I stay fit-exercising!
I think my strongest fear was- and still is to be humiliated. Not that it’s going to kill me but it is certainly horrifying. There was this moment when I was not going to be regularized in the job. I heard horror stories of employees being told right there on the production floor that they are fired. I found this shocking. I knew that my day was very near and was going to be told about it.
I went to my supervisor and asked her to do me a favor. I asked her that if they are going to tell that it’s my last day, make sure that they do it discreetly and not in front of people like what happened to some of my colleagues. She complied and it was taken care of painlessly. Looking back, I think that’s one of the things I am grateful for-which eased the pain of not having a job for a while.
(pic courtesy of: www.redlakefalls.com/education.htm)

Our Many Selves

2010-06-17T13:05:00.001+08:00

I have been doing some photo editing for my other blog but there was a problem with the connection that I wasn’t able to upload everything I have done(which took me the whole night to accomplish).I had o do it all over again today. Quality work only comes with quality time. With that , thoughts flourish. But in these times when you teeter between work and ‘leisure’, something like that is hard to do. I can imagine other people complaining that they haven’t got enough time to blog. And just the thought f looking at that screen sometimes can gie you a headache.
I don’t let the “other world” of my other blogs interfere with the one I am doing. Blogs can sometimes reflect facets of our personality which can be complicating if put in one setting. There is always the other person/people in all of us which beg to be heard. There I a Celt in me, but there is also the Goth, poet, the sensitive artist, the bohemian and the sad gay guy and these people in my head are telling their own stories and I need to chanel that in a particular space which is aimed to listened.

The Definition of the Word Pagan

2010-06-14T15:01:00.000+08:00

There was another power failure this morning. With a cup of warm tea, I scanned my little library and fond Reader’s Digest Word Finder: A Dictionary of Synonyms and Antonyms. The word pagan caught my attention.
Pagan n, 1. The pagans worshipped the sun god: one who is, not a Christian; heathen, infidel, idolator, idol worshipper, totemist, polytheist; non-believer, atheist.
I remember in college thinking that there’s something romantic about being a pagan or being called as one. But the word infidel is not really an attractive one don’t you think?
adj. 2. The pagan idols were destroyed by the missionaries: heathen, heathenish, idolatrous, polytheistic; barbarian.
That word barbarian doesn’t sound really good when used in the context. How about those missionaries who destroyed the pagan idols? Where they not barbaric in their deeds?
Ant. Christian, monotheistic, Christianised, civilized, enlightened.
Isn’t that baloney? I just don’t like the word civilized when used in this. It sounds unfair.
 Word Origin: The Romans considered those who lived in the outlying villages as uncouth, uneducated people who didn’t know much about culture (Yeah right!), manners or religion. Pagan comes from Latin paganus, rustic (I love this word), peasant (again that negative word). The term is derived from Latin pagus, the country rural district. From the 2nd century on, Latin paganus had additional meaning of’ civilian, non-soldier’. Early Christians wee fond of military metaphors, regarding themselves as soldiers of Christ. So they applied the ‘non-soldier’ word to those who had not enlisted in the Church militant.

And you know how it went from there.

Major Faux Pas

2010-06-10T10:42:00.002+08:00

xter I have problems when it comes to dealing with directions (especially during a power failure). My friend J got the worse of it yesterday when we’re on our way to a birthday party of P who is the younger sister f my best pal M(OK I am getting the hang of writing initials).
Earlier we were having a debate whiter I should buy a new wrapper for P’s present (which I messed up horribly as if a dog played with it). J said it is the thought that counts. But I wanted the present to be nice since I really think highly of P. But then again I also realize that the same thought should have occurred to me earlier while wrapping it. Sigh.
So we rode a jeepney . I failed to pa attention to where we were going. Not until we reached a familiar landmark when I remarked to the driver where we’re supposed to be. The driver said that we’re way beyond the destination. We went out blushing. I knew that J was going to accuse me so I laughing hysterically.. He said “look what you’ve done”.
We had to rode all the way back. The sad thing was that we realize there was never going to be enough money after al this. When we reached M’s place there wee so many people. I was asked to lead the prayer which was fine with me. The food was great which made up for the bad incident. I burrowed money from M and she handed it to me graciously. And the badly wrapped gift was received without difficulty.

Good To Look At

2010-06-07T18:51:00.002+08:00

Dora had been in a relationship with Phillip for the past six months before she called it quits. The reason? She said it has proven too difficult to go on. For some reason, Phillip always made her feel inadequate and that everything about him was a struggle. She tried to do the best she could but she was always a step behind. Phillip had been making demands in the relationship. It’s either she is too noisy, too quiet, her dress or hair didn’t look right. Her friends aren’t the right kind. The books she read, the movies and music she listens to. It would be a matter of time before he’d start hinting about the kind of parents and siblings she has.

Perhaps we always walk with people around us who have bigger demands in life. In a movie they’re always referred to as” high maintenance”. The kind that would not eat pancakes without a cherry resting on top of a maple syrup that’s been poured in a whirling fashion. And it has to be counter clockwise and not the other way around. These people demand (or expect) that you dine them in some expensive restaurants. You have to wear a certain brand of earrings and have your hair to be combed in a certain fringe that appeals to the eyes.

These people look good. Always. I mean they could make it in ever cover of a magazine. When they walk they catch attention. There’s always something fascinating and ethereal about them. Something hot and spicy. Something ravishing and delicious. But that’s it. They are only good to look at. And don’t tell me they just sprout f nowhere. It also tells us what kind of household they came from. Do you want to meet the parents?

I’m not saying we should get rid of them like they are some sort of virus that infects the brain. Hey, they do their best to keep our eco system on the run. Thy have their places in the scheme of things. Just because they pollute the environment with their in your face consumerism, doesn’t mean we should snuff them off like cockroaches. Their merit is to be looked at. And what’s wrong with looking at a beautiful object? It’s good for the heart. It makes you live longer. Just don’t invite them into your life. It would be like ingesting non biodegradable materials. Do you eat Barbie Dolls for breakfast?

Maybe Someday

2010-05-31T21:05:00.000+08:00

The passage of years has taught me to loose my musical elitism all throughout. And I also welcome other aspects of discipline. We all have our biases in opinions and just because something is not in line with what we consider as acceptable does not mean that it has no place in the scheme of things around us.

I thought I will have most of the answers at 35. I realize that I am baffled as anyone entering grade school. The world is a huge place and people are strange and continue to get stranger. Lines appear in faces every year but there is no way or circumference around human mystery.

I consider myself as one of those left behind. I haven’t moved on. I challenge fate as I challenge the very years. Someday I might die still trying to tango with fate. I still realize that it still feels like I am outside the circle looking in.

When I look at old people I see a reflection of myself in the future. I also try to imagine how they were like in the past. The 40’s, 50’s or 60’s era don’t feel old to me. I imagine that if I were a vampire I may have lived in those times and would welcome the change brought about by computers and the Internet. I feel it is outrageous that we are only given less than a century to live. Beings like us who are equipped with conscience, a sense of the past and the present should have been given more time. Would 500 years be too much to ask?

It is sad that when we have reached that point in our lives in giving away our hang ups we are too weak to look back to others or give something back to the world. In general we aren’t blessed with so much time to improve in all aspects of existence. We are constantly at wits with time and health. Though there have been scientific research made to solve the mystery of immortality but no definable conclusion has been made yet.

I think with more years ahead, poverty would be alleviated. Crimes would be diminished and there would be more books about improving our species as the human race. With more time we would have greater chances of reaching for the stars and other planets. With more time we would be a more loving, compassionate and responsible race. But too sad…our Physiology is not as indestructible as our minds or ideals.

Do you think there would be hope in the future? Do you think, as creatures of Science and Religion, we would be able to supersede fate and conquer age and disease? Maybe we are still young as a race. Earth is in its adolescent years, while the sun is approaching its middle years. When I look back at the Science fiction stories of my childhood, it takes Millennia before a race can fully mature in all aspect. Maybe someday we will be super humans. But for now, we are still in an age that is uncertain, still murky as we try to emerge from this cocoon of darkness. Who knows, maybe someday?

Another Chapter

2010-05-25T07:54:00.001+08:00

I am not one of those blessed with a good technical mind. Logical step by step processes is something I find hard to adhere to. I only excel in things I have an affinity to. I realize that upon viewing my own progress in my job came to a conclusion that I will never be good with machines the way I am good with words.

It took me five years and two failed jobs to finally say to my self that I am never ever apply for something more than I could handle. I know everyone is blessed with a gift that makes him excel in a particular field. Old ignorant me thought that just because everyone can do it doesn't mean I also could not do it. After several repeated struggles and plummeting self esteem I cam to realize that you can't teach a cat to bark. It is nature and nurture that determines what field we are going to excel later in life.

I think my left brain is the more functional type because Mathematics and logical step by step process of problem solving that escapes me. I get bored looking at formulas and hierarchy of processes. I know a lot of people who can hack this. But for me…it's like looking t an avalanche.

I know I am good at talking to people and even looking at billing stuff and information. But technical stuff is not for me. I know I am not dumb. Hell, I know a lot of things that mot Filipinos don't. But that doesn't give me an air of superiority because once again, we are blessed with different abilities and what we don't have is complimented but others. That's what symbiosis mean right? We work hand in hand to keep one another alive because we can't pretend we are jack of all trades and then realize we are master of none. There is got to be something you are good at. You just have to figure out what it is.

It is too late to mourn for my mistakes. All I have to do is to pick myself up and then make sure not to commit the same mistakes again. Now that I know my limitation. Sometimes it is better to know ones limitation than to pretend he doesn't have any limits at all…because that is darn impossible.

Computer Issues

2010-05-15T16:35:00.000+08:00

Ok my computer crashed and it has been a week that I have been renting to blog ..and that's after work. I might have it back tomnorrow. Can't wait to blog at home. The heat is unforgiving and sleep is hard to achieve.

Iron Man

2010-05-02T12:43:00.000+08:00

I was able to finally watch Iron Man and I got my shirt to prove it.

What's the World Comming To?

2010-04-19T14:08:00.000+08:00

Photo by Richard Vogel. I am alarmed by a number of White Supremacist Groups arising not only in the United States but in the world. If we recall a few weeks back there was this one incident that happened in Europe which resulted in a collision with law officers. Just this week a rally was staged in Los Angeles . The resulting clash with opposing forces was violent. I am not angry about the whole thing because I am not white. I have resigned myself to thinking within the box. I consider myself as a citizen of the world therefore I am not confined by race, color or gender. I don't think that I am Asian. Nor do I consider myself otherwise. My music is not confined to my geographical location and the culture that I grew up with. That is why events like this is not something I take personally. What I am outraged is that people never learned. After 70 years, it is sad that these lost souls failed to realized that the holocaust killed more than 6,000,000 Jews.Or if they know that, they failed to acknowledge that life is precious. For what? So that the new order can be establish. And what is this New Order supposedly? Well, it's just a boring order composed of all German people. I have nothing against the Germans or the British, even though history told us the bloody tyranny these powerful nations created. And though I am a bit anti-British, I don't really think that all people of England should be kicked in the asses. There are still those that are good. Just like there are still Filipinos who can be trusted and Americans who hate bullying.

****

I was taking a break from work and I went to the pantry. There's this British film about the dentist. I didn't know the title or what it's about but I think I got the gist. He gets to see spirits f people who passed away and he doesn't know how to help them. He then confided to his office mate to asked him to set in this chair and look at the pictures. There's this one with Einstein that says' Only a life lived for others is worth living' or something like that. And it hit me. I realized that is what exactly what my foster has been doing. She is now in her eighties. Life is not easy for ll of us. She never got married because a guy broke her heart, But then she lived for me and her other family members. Despite the odds, she never let depression kicked in. She got busy that she sent her brothers and sisters to school . When I was a kid I thought older people live boring lives confined to routine. Now that I am older I realized that love means sacrifice. You know you are into it for life and you accept that fate because of love. And I think acceptance is not that hard. When we know we don't really have much time left in this world we start to live for others. I think if God really exists then he is kind to send people like Albert Einstein in this world to make humanity see the bigger picture. And if h can manifest his greatness through the minds of these eccentric people then he must be a beautiful God. And I could not stop crying on a corner thinking about this.

Black Saturday

2010-04-03T19:11:00.001+08:00

Black Saturday. The lazy aftrnoon afforded me the tme to listen to my Hank Williams and Billie Holiday music. I met these names through books I read and I travelled along the road vicariously with Jack Kerouac and Poppy Z Brite's characters from New Orleans. I love the old century feel of these beautiful songs that makes me wish I was born in the past. But the again the past has great as well as not so great things . The reality of Bellie Holiday and Marian Anderson's time was the recial segration. And there were few choices then. Not to mention no freedom for gay people. But perhaps the pain in the realities of those times was the fact that made the songs so potent.

I believe that we are all instruments capable of changing the world with what we write and talk about. I also believe that what you surround yourself with is the very thing that will become of you. When you live in violence and greed then they will claim you. The people you choose to surround yourself with, tells you what you are. Not to say that just because you talk to criminals therefore you are a criminal. I am talking about day and night constant companions. I am talking about gangs capable of doing violence just because it is an acceptable thing to do within the group.

The music you listen to, the movies you watch and the books you read can tell something about your soul. Do you long for peace or is there a chainsaw in your horizon? I have been pondering about this for days and my love for the macabre and the horror. But of course too much fluffy- happy stuff can be a bore. But one has to watch out what he puts in his mind, the way he puts food in his stomach. You are what you eat. I am a believer in the law of attraction. We attract those that are like us. But then again , we also attract things that can kill us. So we have to be afraid....be very afraid sometimes.

Irish Girl Bullied to Death by Classmates

2010-04-02T16:58:00.004+08:00

For a week now I have been following the story of Phoebe Prince who committed suicide after being bullied by classmates in South Hadley, Massachusetts. Her family moved to The United States from Ireland, never anticipating the sad ending to their 15-year-old daughter. She was harassed day and night, first on text messages and on the campus, then it moved into cyber bullying. Unable to cope with the pain and exhaustion, she hanged herself at their home. She was later discovered by her younger sister. Even in her death, the sociopaths never left her alone. They posted horrible messages on her Facebook tribute page which cause her parents to seek help .

I followed every update on the news night and day . I was moved and it has affected me a great deal. How can people senselessly take a life of a person who doesn't mean anyone harm. And will these kids responsible for her death ever be hunted by what they did? Sociopaths or people with Psychological disease don't feel any remorse. They fall under the category of serial killers and these are people one should avoid at all costs. This kids need extensive therapy.

It is sad how parents could no longer rely on schools to keep their kids safe. There is this one incident involving an 8-year-old student. He jumped off the the two story high school building after being harassed by classmates. The teacher simply turned a blind eye until his mom came storming into the principals office demanding action.

I can see a trend in this mean behavior even in adults. And adults like that raise kids who turn out to be like them. Bullies mostly came from families run by bully parents. I also meet these people in my job in a call center. They demand so much and bully you when they learn you are not from their country and not white(therefore dumb).Until parents and teachers work hand in hand to break this bloody cycle, then we will usher the world into chaos and killing. We have to act now before it is too late. Please stand up for your rights and don't let anyone put you down regardless of your color, sexual orientation or nation of birth.

Related story here: http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-03-30/inside-the-mind-of-a-bully/

In the Name of Religion

2010-03-30T21:21:00.000+08:00

So much blood in Moscow. Did these creeps even thought twice before planting those bombs that nothing can be gained from this but more persecution? The Muslims say that their's is a religion of peace. Do they know the meaning of the word? I am sure even a five-year- old kid would laugh at the absurdity of the claim in the midst of so much bloodshed.

They have massacred thousands and murdered more. They even have the guts to show their animal cruelty in videos posted over the Internet for mass comsumption( of those who can stomach the gruesome). I have been brought up in a home that encouraged religious tolerance. But I grew up and realize that there are certain religious beliefs that one should stay away from. A belief that it is OK to kill and to rape women. I feel sorry for the victims and their families. I mean it when I say I bleed with them. Because I feel such solidarity with those who are wronged in the midst of so much evil.

Life and Times

2010-03-29T14:11:00.001+08:00

Life is so short and sweet depending on how you look at it. We are not equiped to live like trees. And no matter how passionately we love or hate, everything has to end. Beautiful things end. I remember watching this beautiful movie called A1 and how the story struck me as true. Not in a sense that it talks about androids and aliens visiting the ruined Earth thousands of years from now. But rather it is true because it speaks of how capable we are of loving when we are taught to love.

That love survives time. When someone gives you the reason to live, and when that love teaches you to laugh and cry , then nothing-not even death has the right to take it away. I still question my faith and has not made up my mind. I feel like I am outside the circle looking in. I sometimes talk to God and sometimes I don't even know if he exists at all or if he listens to me when I cry out in pain . It's just that moments of deepest sadness can almost make me believe that I can talk to him.Sometimes I wonder why we all begun and where we are going. And I wonder about what is infinity in the Universe, the dark matter, the God particle the stuff that makes up the stars. Sometimes when I am most alone and in pain, I feel I could almost embrace infinity but then again it must be brain chemicals and nothing else.

Everyday I watch faded streets and how they will be a thousand years from now. If the very place I live will stand the test of time and elements. If my bones will ever be uncovered. Or will I ever be studied as nature's oddity. Will there be an afterlife and will I see people I love. If there is such thing as heaven , then it is with the company of people I love. The here and now. While it lasts. And will I stand the test of pain and loneliness when peole I care about pass away? So many questions about life and very few answers. Do you ever wake up and wonder why you are alive and the purpose why you are here?

***

After switching to a notebook computer, I realize that I am able to blog more and more. The convenience of being able to move around in different places and being afforded the privacy are things that I am beng thankful about. I usually write on my lap but I make sure I am protected by a flat surface underneath. I have nothing against desktops. It's just that after working eight hours in front of it, and then going home seeng the same thing can be too much. I am a mood writer. Meaning I can't write for the heck of it. I have to be in a right frame of mind for thoughts to come freely.

I have blogs where I don't really talk about myself but rather ther people. This is the only one where I focus more on my thoghts, what I feel as of the moment and my pains and joys. I m using Notepad++ to write my articles . I love its lightweight ad cool interface. I can change fonts as well as backgound color depending on my mood. Right now I am writing on a dark choco background. I am also in the middle of Jack Kerouac's Beat novel On the Road but I can't get to fnish it. There are so many things going on that gives me minimum time to set down and much through the pages.The heat of the noon sun is overpowering outside.I can't really get out in this ind of this situation. Except read.

Rain

2010-03-25T11:50:00.000+08:00

At least we had the mercy of the afternoon rain yeaterday and it has left us its essence. The ocassional cool breeze is still there to quell the unforgiving heat of summer. Sometimes I regret being born here. I should have been in some northern climate where snow is of abundance most of the time and the folks are less jolly. I hate the fiesta and all its noise. I hat gaudy colors. I even hate too much beaches.

I promise myself to finish a book before this day off ends which is approximately around 1am. I wish there is a lot of slack so I can write more. But the job that I have pays for so much in life that I don't think anything would keep me alive. Last night I ended up sleeping over a migrain. I woke the following day confused and there were times I wake up thinking I was awake and ended up realizing it's all but a dream.

Right now nothing is showing on Television(thank God) and fiddle music is playing. Oh well I guess that's it for now.

The Summer Wind

2010-03-23T19:56:00.000+08:00

I stepped out of the jeepney under the scorching heat of the noon sun. I took a peddy cab because I don't want to walk several blocks home and end up with heat stroke. Roderick a guy I went to high school with drove me. I like seeing familiar faces. I started talking about how hot it is an then asked how he's been. He gave me a flat ' I am ok'. Deep down inside I want to tell him that there is nothing wrong with what he does. He is earning his own money. And he earns them honestly with hard labor. So what if you end up not working in the office? There are things in life you just can't control. It's better than wearing really fine clothes and having your mom spend for your meal while you stay home the whole day and waste your electricity bills.

People are strange.

Last night I met two guy on my way to work. One was Oscar who teaches violin lessons and his cousin who plays a mean guitar. They have this informal county band that plays good music on occasions. I can feel the excitement when they saw me. The last time we met was around 2002 when I sang for them on a concert that a restaurant owner staged miles and miles across towns. "You were a star there"! They chided me and frankly I remember fondly how I wowed the crowd with my singing. But then again I never considered myself as one who will stick on a singing career no matter how people say that I have a remarkable vocal range and has perfect pitch.

Memories are bitter-sweet.

The Weight of Life

2010-03-21T19:04:00.002+08:00

It is not easy to be the bread winner of the family. There is something positive and negative in it though. Don’t get me wrong. I am now whinning because I can’t get the things I want like the next guy. I am not complaining because I sometimes feel that the weing tof the world is all around me. Or that sometimes I am paying off something every month just because I have to live a life too.

Bing in this situation as I’ve said has it’s pros and cons. The pros does outweight the cons. Fo instance, it makes me want to get up every morning thinking that have a responsibility. It also makes me want to take care of my self, making sure I stop smoking because I have to be fit or else I can’t work. I have so little time to think about my sorry state because ther people depend on my time and energy and there is no room for self pity.

I am just glad that despite all these, I still have the time to blog, to listen to music and to be updated with what’s current in the pop culture and Science I general. But I have so little time for friends. The only people I frequently interact these days are my friends in cberspace because it is the most convenient thing to do. It it the time of the month when the heat feels discouraging even to go out.

I was remimded by my sis to update my wardrobe because mst of the clothes I am wearing now have been around since 2005. It’s been five years. But that’s the problem. I am not really really the type who invests in looking good. I’d rather spend my money on gadgets , music and books. Or I’ rather dine in a plush restaurant one in a while just for the heck of it. But I like to look at people who invests in looking really fine. And most of my friends are really ood looking or have car and live in big houses. I alo love to keep really influencial people around. The mad scientists and philosophers and have a good stimulating talk once in a blue moon.

The thing about being alive in this generation is being able o make choices. The choice of being happy depends upon you. I am alive, I feel young and I am gay. And yes I am supporting my family. I think I don’t ask for anything more. Except being able to work in this computer when the urge to write comes.

Lent

2010-03-19T08:01:00.002+08:00

My day off fell around lent. I decided to took out and clean old records. The Intertainer played from old speakers. I am also readng Jack Kerouac's On the Road. I am strucked at how I can really relate to his story and words. I did exactly the same thing my self years ago... hitchiked my way across places.

I miss the two guys who did it with me. And it was also around this time of the year when the roads became scortched.There is nothing much you could do during lent because people mostly refuse to come out or are either fasting. Not that it is strongly imposed in this country. It's just that people do it out of courtesy I guess.

Radio stations are either playing slow tuns or intrumental pieces. Whic works for me because I am such a sucker for 70s ballads made into nstrumentals with full orchestra. But more and more, those songs I listened to as a child are seldom played these days. Thank goodness to my old vinyl records which I can always retrieve when the need arises.

It rained for the first time for several months last night. The air turned really cold. I slept with the fan off.Woke up this morning to the sound of water running and he smell of breakfast.

Wow....that was something

2010-03-17T03:52:00.005+08:00

I went to work half an hour before midnight thinking I had work. It turned out that it's my day off-which became public knowledge.That was so totally dumb of me. I went to the pantry and chatted with pals. Stephen King's Misery was showing on cable and I cringed at how the main character (as I read on the book) suffers in the hands of a psycho fan played wonderfully by Kathy Bates. I love reading Stephen King because he is such a good writer and keeps the pages turning for me. I also love his dark sense of humor which I think plays a big role why I come back for more.

Neil Gaiman is in Manila and I am sad I could not be there. I met him a couple of years during a book signing and the man is so down to earth and totally funny. I love his portrayals of gay characters in his novels .That's why I came up to him and told him why I love his stories. He drew a rat on my book. Sweet sweet guy. It is almost 4 in the morning and I think it is time for bed...but then I don't know. Maybe I will wait for a vampire to come hahahahahaha.

Summer Breeze

2010-03-11T11:45:00.001+08:00

So it feels like being inside a furnace. The blast of warm wind is not something that is easy to to like. Sometimes I just close my eyes and imagine I am somewhere like Morocco enjoying the heat, the people and the atmosphere.

There are so many things I need to catch up upon and I am doing my best...at least I know I am trying. Believe me I'm sure I had something in mind before I opened this blog but right now I realize I don't have anything serious to say. But then again , I don't think blogging is really all about trying to be somebody else and forcing yourself to write something meaningful. But that's just my opinion for now...which might change depending on the state of the moment.

I am just here because I want to be in touch with the world. I feel like I am visiting my playground every time I blog. I also know that there will be people reading this and it's like a love letter to a friend. My life is not really spent on the open meeting people. I am more of a person who likes to keep stuff to myself. I hate going out. I hate crowds but I love music.

Sometimes the best way to shut off a person who pesters you is to plug your ears with music that way you are getting rid of the talk but not appearing to be rude. You can also bring a book. with you It is usually effective in making sure no one bothers you.

My Other Self

2010-03-09T11:02:00.002+08:00

These days I have been listening to a lot of songs from Tom Waits. Yeah that guy with a voice that sounds like it has been soaked in a jar of whiskey for a long time and then left to
dry on tobacco smoke. I got this itch to listen to his songs after finishing Poppy Z Bite's vampire novel Lost Souls. I am also playing the latest album by Lifehouse called Smoke and Mirrors.
It is one beautiful album with strong tracks. I would not be surprise if they hit the airwaves soon. I've been a fan of Lifehouse since their first album came out in 2000. Jason Wade has this sad and haunting
voice. It is strong yet vulnerable and the songs deal mostly of yearning.

Today I woke up with a head-splitting headache after tinkering with my computer that refused to leave the boot up menu. My operating system is in need of updating but I just never get round it. Someone was downstairs
and I had to send the person away. I realize it's my technician.Yesterday I called him and asked him to fix the problem. He wasn't able to do it because my good ol' smart self placed a password on the BIOS and I forgot to informed him that there's a password. I told him to come back the next day , earlier than he asked. I should have talked to the fellow because he brought his wife with him. But my sensible head refused to come down because of the headache. When I got down I was so irritated because I sent the person away and there's no sugar on the coffee. And then I realize that I needed to talk to him about something else but then again it's too late. And I realize it's rude. Then I was thinking that I wasn't feeling good. But then again that was still rude.

I sometimes hate the way I behave. It is so easy to call myself all kinds of bad names. But I also realize that dispite our imperfections we have to be kind to our selves. But there are moments when I feel like two people
in one body and I just want to murder that other me. Anyway, this blog should have been about Tom Waits and Lifehouse but I ended up ranting about my sordid life. Well I guess that's the beauty of blogging. You can talk about anything , even those that don't make sense. But then again I have no idea what I am talking about sometimes.

What Would Life be Without Laughter?

2010-03-03T02:53:00.000+08:00

I have a hard time being serious. Just put me on a corner and you'd see me either laughing or smiling. So many funny thoughts cross my mind most of the time and I try to do my best not to let what's in my mind reveat itself to the outside world.

I find it hard to mix with people who look like they have a flamming torches shoved up nside their rectums. I know some of you do it for the purpose of being called 'intellectuals". But life is too short to be too smart. And besides, information changes all the time and 10 year from now, what we hold dear will become obsolete. Even the ipad!

*****

I love it when someone from another country sends me a package. I received one today from Italy. I really love life's kindness and I promise...I will never ever loose my sense of magic as long a I live.

Serial Killer Whale Still Makes Money at Sea World-Surreal!

2010-03-01T03:19:00.003+08:00

I think it all boils down to money. The decision of 
 Sea World to keep Telly on a 
tank after it killed whale trainer Dawn Brancheau is not 
only insensitive; it is also selfish.
 They just want to keep him and milk him for more profits. 
 Killer whales,  no matter how 
intelligent, are predators. They belong to the wild. 
 They are driven by an instinct to 
hunt and to hurt. 

 I am for humane treatment of animals.
 But we have to understand 
that in order for humanity
to succeed, we must also adhere with what's fair. Tompkins
 said in an interview that the orca 
should not be set free in the wild because it grew up in captivity.
 He was also quoted saying 
that it is unfair to do that to an animal.  

  This statement baffles me. 
  I think the too much 
emphasis on being too politically correct while ignoring 
the basic facts of life is sad. It's 
like saying, to punish people who did wrong is uncivilized. 
But when they turn out to be 
monsters and start terrorizing the country, who's to be blamed?